n Hillary Clinton finally agreed to appear with David Letterman on his show. They got along great. He gave her his softest treatment and his most courteous manner and she gave him his FBI file.
n Ted Turner’s net worth rose 40% in one day after the announcement of the $166 billion Time Warner-AOL merger. He told reporters this deal is better than sex. That’s easy to say when your wife only moved out a week ago.
n George W. Bush was blasted by liberal columnists for not denouncing the Confederate flag in South Carolina. They should chill out. How can you expect a guy whose last job was Team Owner to take a stand against slavery?
n Al Gore had Bill Bradley heckled in Iowa by Corn Man. He’s a guy dressed up as a 6-foot ear of corn. In response, Bradley will have Gore followed everywhere by a Liberace impersonator dressed up as a five-star general.
n John McCain is defending himself against charges he pressured the FCC on behalf of a campaign donor. He was helping a conservative group get a TV license from the Clinton Administration. Let’s put it this way, he had an easier time getting chocolates out of the North Vietnamese.
n Los Angeles counterfeiter Juan San German pleaded guilty for forging millions of green cards. It’s just terrible. The man is going to jail for six years and he created more jobs than Microsoft.
n According to viewer surveys, Monica Lewinsky’s TV ads for the Jenny Craig diet are surprisingly effective. Nobody who sees her on TV feels like eating for hours afterwards.
n Tiger Woods won his 5th straight PGA event. What a run. It’s up there with Joe DiMaggio’s 56-game hitting streak, Oklahoma’s 47-game winning streak, and George W. Bush’s seven straight debates without a career-ender.
n Miami, Florida, threw a huge street party for Elian Gonzales. They chanted his name, they sang songs to him, and they waved his picture on posters. It’s the exact same way we ruined Macauley Culkin 10 years ago.
n Al Gore’s aide Donna Brazile accused the GOP of trying to starve black children. She also made racially insensitive remarks aimed at J.C. Watts and Colin Powell. Who says a girl could never pitch for the Atlanta Braves?
n Jim Brown got six months in LA County jail for vandalizing his wife’s car. People in Los Angeles don’t care if a football star kills his wife, but if you lay a hand on her car, you’re going to jail.
n Linda Tripp got $30,000 worth of plastic surgery in Beverly Hills. She had her nose shortened, her excess weight stripped away, and the bags removed. It’s exactly how Lockheed converts an L-1011 into a corporate jet.
n Pamela Anderson told Inside Edition that if she were Hillary she would leave President Clinton. That’s way beside the point. If Pamela Anderson were Hillary, Bill Clinton would have never looked twice at Monica Lewinsky.
n The Blair Witch Project producers are scouting locations for a sequel. They haven’t finished the script, but they promise it will be scary. They have got hand-held cameras following Hillary Clinton all over New York.
n Charlie Sheen settled a lawsuit by two porno actresses who claimed he roughed them up after a night of carousing. One thing is clear. For three months NBC’s had the wrong Sheen playing the President of the United States.
n Newt Gingrich admitted an affair in his divorce settlement. It follows adultery admissions by four other GOP congressmen. The entire Monica affair was just another example of Bill Clinton stealing Republican ideas.
n President Clinton renominated 73-year-old Alan Greenspan to a new term as Chairman of the Federal Reserve. Greenspan accepted the job right away. He knows better than anybody that you can’t count on Social Security.
n Warren Beatty told Vanity Fair he will not run for president in 2000. He has a reputation as a liberal and a ladies’ man and he wasn’t polling well with the voters. It’s the first concrete evidence of Clinton Fatigue.
n President Clinton was named the Most Admired American of 1999. In the same poll Jack Kennedy was named our Greatest President. Is it any wonder that “Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo” is a box-office hit?
Hamilton is the host comedian of the Comedy Store in Hollywood and writes a daily syndicated humor column. He can be reached for corporate performances at his web site, www.ArgusHamilton.com.
