ARGUS
Humor by Argus Hamilton
& #149; The Academy Awards were held at Hollywood’s Kodak Theater amidst heavy security. A bomb was confiscated. Just before the show started, the police caught Kevin Costner trying to run into the theater with one of his movies strapped to his chest.
& #149; McAfee Software warned a computer virus disguised as a Bill Clinton cartoon is loose on the Internet. This should be a short investigation. We know by now that if something is disguised as Bill and it’s deleting files, it’s Hillary.
& #149; The European Union constructed steel trade barriers in response to the raise in U.S. steel tariffs by President Bush. He’s now running a war on terrorism, a drug war, a trade war, and a war on the environment, and he has an 80% job-approval rating. It’s going so well, his next campaign slogan will be Four More Wars.
& #149; Afghan forces said they arrested a top Taliban general. He supervised all the foreign troops who came to Kabul to fight for al-Qaeda. Some of those kids from Marin needed an awful lot of hand-holding their first night away from home.
& #149; A San Francisco couple was found guilty after their dog killed a neighbor. The jury said owners are legally responsible for what their dogs do outside the house. The next day, Paula Jones announced she’s suing Hillary Clinton.
& #149; The Weather Channel reports that spring storms have deluged Kentucky, causing rivers to overflow. The damage estimates from all the rainfall and flooding on Friday reached $100 million. Apparently one of the horses slipped and broke his leg.
Hamilton is the host comedian of the Comedy Store in Hollywood and writes a daily syndicated humor column. He can be reached for corporate performances at his web site, www.ArgusHamilton.com
