n Bill Gates met President Clinton at the White House. Now that he’s facing a break-up of Microsoft he has coffee with the president. If he had done this two years ago, Netscape would be sleeping with the fishes.
n Wall Street survived its wildest day ever. Looking at a chart of the trading, no one’s seen anything like it since O.J. took a polygraph test in Robert Shapiro’s office.
n Al Gore wants to make Elian Gonzalez a permanent resident. He will do anything to win Florida. By the time he makes his acceptance speech at the Democratic Convention, Elian’s mother will have died in Al Gore’s arms.
n George W. Bush enjoyed himself at the Milwaukee Head Start pre-school. It wasn’t just a photo-op. He’s got six months to become an articulate and a well-read presidential candidate, so they’re starting him out with phonics.
n Miami Cubans surrounded Elian’s home and locked arms and vowed nobody will get through. It was a familiar scene. At sundown, they looked up into the sky and saw Janet Reno on a broom spelling out “Surrender Elian!”
n The Secret Service caught a man running across the White House lawn. The security chief said the White House is a magnet for mentally unstable people. That’s what makes the New Hampshire primary so interesting.
n U.S. officials in Havana issued a visa for Elian’s pediatrician to fly to America. He shouldn’t get his hopes up. When he sees what HMOs pay doctors in this country, he will realize there is no escaping communism.
n China announced it’s going to make cable television available to TV viewers all across its country. This can’t be good news. The last thing a nation with 1.2 billion people needs is the Playboy Channel.
n The San Diego SWAT Team spent hours cornering a 54-year-old crazed gunman in a building. They sent in a robot to get him, and the guy destroyed the robot. The Bush campaign just hired him as a consultant.
n Leonardo DiCaprio interviewed President Clinton for ABC News. Journalists are insulted by a wild-living Hollywood heartthrob having access to the Oval Office. However, he was elected twice and there’s nothing they can do.
n Al Gore flew to Milwaukee to pose for cameras with Wisconsin Sen. Russ Feingold. The vice president promised he will prove his commitment to campaign finance reform. What’s he going to do, turn state’s evidence?
n George W. Bush visited historic Little Rock Central High School. He urged the students to pursue their dreams. In this day and age in America, it’s possible for any kid with high-tech skills and new ideas to be successful and wealthy and crushed by a Justice Department antitrust suit.
n Three-star Gen. Claudia Kennedy filed sexual harassment complaints against another Pentagon general. Americans are bewildered. Is there some law that says 50% of all sex scandals must have a Kennedy in them?
Hamilton is the host comedian of the Comedy Store in Hollywood and writes a daily syndicated humor column. He can be reached for corporate performances at his web site, www.ArgusHamilton.com.
