n The Moscow summit ended between Bill Clinton and Vladimir Putin. They got testy. Russia demanded protection from America’s biggest ballistic threat, but the president has no authority to revoke John Rocker’s passport.
n The Florida Marlins had the top draft pick in Major League Baseball and selected young Adrian Gonzalez number one. He may not be in Florida for long. Janet Reno’s hearing is not as good as it used to be.
n George W. Bush granted his first death penalty reprieve. The accused will be executed if the DNA matches. In LA, if the DNA matches, we let the murderer spend the rest of his life looking for the real killer.
n Congress released an FBI memo urging an Al Gore probe for White House fundraising calls. He placed 120 calls and made 70 pitches. The other 50 heard Al’s voice and hung up because they thought it was the dial tone.
n President Clinton was given the Charlemagne Prize by Europe. He is amazing. Any guy who can receive a peace medal while lobbying for a new missile system has, what we call in Los Angeles, good people skills.
n George W. Bush began issuing his first foreign policy statements. He still finds national security issues a bit confusing. Just Friday he called for a missile defense system that would protect the unborn.
n Al Gore apologized for trying to evict a disabled man and his family from a dilapidated house Gore owns in Tennessee. Al called them personally. Unfortunately, they couldn’t come up with the $100,000 right away.
n Russian President Vladimir Putin sent masked men with machine guns into a Moscow radio station. That sort of thing would never happen in America. How many radio stations are harboring a 6-year-old Cuban boy?
n George W. Bush flew to Augusta, Ga., to commemorate the 56th anniversary of the landing in Normandy. It’s only right for Republicans to go to Augusta for D-Day. They all served in Arnie’s Army from 1960 to 1980.
n Los Angeles is rounding up stray dogs on the street ahead of the Democratic Convention. They run wild all over downtown near the convention hotel. The president is trying to spare Buddy the humiliation of a Paula Jones incident.
n Congress was offered a motion to withdraw the U.S. from the World Trade Organization. Gov. Jesse Ventura testified to his belief we should remain members. Of course, he thinks the WTO still owes him a title shot.
n President Clinton was offended when Germany’s Gerhard Schroeder offered him a box of Cuban cigars. It’s obvious why. Bill Clinton has to know everything and he didn’t know if this was a Castro joke or a Monica joke.
n CBS’ “Survivor” shows people trying to survive on a remote island. The sequel is all set. Next year “Survivor” will drop 16 Republicans on a public golf course and the first one who finds his way back to the club gets $1 million.
n The MGM Grand wants to build a new mega-casino in Las Vegas. They are trying to raise money for the deal by selling some works from their art collection. Their prize painting was the original “Four Dogs Laundering Money.”
Hamilton is the host comedian of the Comedy Store in Hollywood and writes a daily syndicated humor column. He can be reached for corporate performances at his web site, www.ArgusHamilton.com.
