ARGUS
Humor by Argus Hamilton
& #149; President Bush called for tough new measures to regulate corporate officers. He’s figured out a way to crack down on board members who cash out early and leave stockholders holding the bag. He’s going to turn state’s evidence.
& #149; Florida is fighting a lawsuit by a Muslim woman who insists she has a right to wear a veil in her driver’s license photo. She refuses to show her face in public. She needs to realize that she’s not the only person who invested in WorldCom.
& #149; President Bush was eight months late notifying the SEC of his Harken cashout in 1990. He now says company lawyers were late filing the paperwork. If it looked any worse, the “CBS Early Show” would invite him on the program to make cabbage salad.
& #149; The Running of the Bulls was held in Spain where bulls chase runners down the narrow streets of Pamplona, goring the slow of foot. It was riveting, and bloody, and only the strong survived. If the TV ratings are good, this format could replace the New Hampshire primary.
& #149; Congress held hearings on the Enron and WorldCom wreckage. They want to hear how these CEOs made losses look like gains while raiding the pension funds and raising their own salaries. Congressmen love these continuing education seminars.
& #149; The White House asked the Senate to ratify the Nuclear Arms Reduction Treaty with Russia. Throughout the Cold War, nuclear war between the U.S. and Russia was prevented by Mutual Assured Destruction. It’s the same principle that in 2004 will keep George W. and Hillary from bringing up each other’s past stock transactions.
& #149; White House Counselor Karen Hughes departed her job to return home to Texas. She wielded great power. Karen Hughes is considered the most influential woman in the history of the White House if you don’t count interns and co-presidents.
& #149; America West Airlines fired the two pilots who showed up drunk to fly from Miami to Phoenix. The dangers are obvious. The pilots have to spend too much time locking and unlocking the cockpit door to go throw up in the bathroom.
& #149; Barry Bonds was asked by animal rights groups to stop endorsing KFC because the chickens are given steroids for bulk. How silly. If the chickens don’t have a problem with Barry Bonds, why should Barry Bonds have a problem with the chickens?
& #149; President Bush held an Inner City Compassion Rally in Cleveland. He has aided minorities, raised tariffs and spent big on education. Next time burglars break into Democratic National Headquarters it will be to remove his picture from the wall.
Hamilton is the host comedian of the Comedy Store in Hollywood and writes a daily syndicated humor column. He can be reached for corporate performances at his web site, www.ArgusHamiltom.com.
