ARGUS
Humor
by Argus Hamilton
& #149; The Miss America Pageant was watched by millions from Atlantic City. It was a little different this year. When the contestants began talking about how they would achieve world peace, they were very nearly booed off the stage.
& #149; Madelyne Toogood pleaded not guilty to child abuse in Indiana. She was caught on a video seen by the entire nation beating her daughter in a parking lot. On the bright side, the search for a new police chief in Los Angeles may be over.
& #149; Gov. Gray Davis signed a bill granting employees partial pay to stay at home with a sick family member. It’s come to this. Democrats feel it’s unfair for Californians to have to sit home sick by themselves and roll their own medicine.
& #149; Don Rumsfeld said U.S.-German relations were poisoned by Germany’s recent show of anti-Americanism. Republicans are laying the groundwork. Fear of Iraq might get them through the mid-term elections but they will need the Big Kahuna for 2004.
& #149; President Bush witnessed the Dow Jones losing its thousandth point since he returned from vacation. War is looming and West Nile virus continues to take its deadly toll. One more plague and he will tie Pharaoh’s Old Testament record.
& #149; President Bush spent a whole weekend phoning world leaders from Camp David, trying to build a military coalition to go into Iraq. It didn’t go well. So far, all he can get are Britain, Cheney, Rumsfeld and Fox News, so the invasion is a go.
& #149; Condoleezza Rice said the United States will build democracy in Iraq if we topple Saddam. It’s controversial. The oil will be nice to have, but residents of Washington D.C. can’t believe Iraq is going to be a state before they are.
& #149; Democratic Senator Carl Levin demanded U.N. weapons inspections in Iraq before any war is launched. His party is split. Two-thirds of the Senate Democrats agree with the idea of U.N. inspections, while the other third are up for re-election.
& #149; The New York Mets were accused in an article in Newsday of widespread marijuana use during their off-the-field hours. It came as a surprise to many people across the country. Californians didn’t even know the team was seriously ill.
& #149; The Indianapolis Colts are reportedly trying to move the team to Los Angeles next season. No one invited the team here. It’s not that people in Los Angeles wouldn’t like to have an NFL team, it’s just that nobody has time for the jury duty.
& #149; The Washington Post said that Paul O’Neill, Colin Powell, Dick Cheney and Don Rumsfeld are each worth between $50 and $100 million. The lucky dogs. Government rules forced them to sell their stocks before they took over the economy.
& #149; Robert Reich lost the Democratic primary for Massachusetts governor, joining Janet Reno and Al Gore in the political graveyard of the last administration’s alumni. They were just too close to Bill Clinton. Hillary didn’t make that mistake.
