ARGUS
By Argus Hamilton
Olympic skater Sasha Cohen said she would not attempt the first-ever quadruple axel jump. A lot of people were relieved. When the quadruple axel was first mentioned, most Americans assumed President Bush was adding Syria to the list.
The Olympic ice skating rink was surrounded by barbed wire, police dogs, troops and metal detectors. It sounds like a place where Tonya Harding could sell her body to the guards for cigarettes.
The National Restaurant Association said Valentine’s Day is the best night annually in the restaurant business. Love is in the air. We’ve arrived at what has become America’s most passionate and romantic holiday, Former President’s Day.
Enron CEO Ken Lay pleaded the Fifth Amendment before the Senate. He was the fifth Enron bigwig to refuse to talk. If all organizations had this kind of tight-lipped loyalty, John Gotti would be mayor of New York today.
Former Enron CEO Jeffrey Skilling told Congress he had no idea anything was wrong when he left Enron. He knew nothing. He sold his stock for millions and is currently touring as Sgt. Schultz in a dinner theater production of “Hogan’s Heroes.”
Ken Lay sat passively while U.S. senators tore into the way he ran Enron. He covered up red ink with tricky bookkeeping and siphoned retirement savings for lavish spending. They’re going to indict him for impersonating a member of the U.S. Senate.
CIA Director George Tenet told the U.S. Senate they can’t find Osama bin Laden. He is a 6’5″ Arab dragging around a dialysis machine with his legless sidekick. The president might as well fire the CIA and hire Stevie Wonder to listen for him.
Vladimir Putin gave an interview to the Wall Street Journal to beg President Bush not to attack Iraq. He just doesn’t understand. If he wants to communicate with the president through the media, he should give the interview to “SportsCenter.”
The New York Times says U.S. forces beat Afghan prisoners with nightsticks during a bungled raid on the wrong town last month. The Army denies it. They say they weren’t beating them, they were simply reading them their rights in Morse Code.
Afghan police chief Abdul Ruf claims he was beaten and kicked by U.S. soldiers until his ribs cracked. It’s a familiar story. Once we started giving millions of dollars in aid to Afghanistan, you knew the trial lawyers wouldn’t be far behind.
Hamilton is the host comedian of the Comedy Store in Hollywood and writes a daily syndicated humor column. He can be reached for corporate performances at his web site, www.ArgusHamilton.com.
