ARGUS
Humor
by Argus Hamilton
& #149; The Anaheim Angels won the pennant for the first time in 42 years, sending Orange County into a frenzy. The area’s growth has been unbelievable. Forty-two years ago, Orange County was so far out in the country that even the Episcopalians worked with snakes.
& #149; Columbus Day organizers in New York banned two “Sopranos” stars from marching in the annual parade due to the TV show’s violent portrayal of Italians. Anglo-Saxons have an annual parade too. This year, we’re marching from Kuwait to Baghdad.
& #149; The Wall Street Journal said that Harvard helped President Bush’s former oil company avoid bankruptcy in 1990. The paper called it an Enron-style deal. It’s extremely complicated, which exonerates the president right off the bat.
& #149; The White House got a judge to order an 80-day cooling off period between unions and port operators. Harmony is restored. It worked so well, Senator Byrd asked a judge to order an 80-day cooling off period between Don Rumsfeld and mankind.
& #149; The State Department announced it will send objects from its antiques collection on a tour of U.S. museums. What a treasure trove. The antiques include a silver bowl hand-made by Paul Revere, a painting of George Washington, and Bob Dole.
& #149; Democrats are running TV ads slamming the White House economic record. They are not the only ones complaining about it. With oil at $30 a barrel, George W. Bush and Dick Cheney could kick themselves for going into government work.
& #149; Dick Cheney addressed a rally in Roswell, N.M. What a showman. When he stepped out of Air Force Two looking pale and with wires coming out of his chest, the locals fell to their knees and started selling each other postcards.
& #149; Saddam Hussein was re-elected by a huge margin in a yes-or-no vote with nobody else on the ballot. He’s indestructible. Over the years, only Teddy Kennedy has ever gotten bombed that often and still carried 95% of the vote.
& #149; The House voted to authorize President Bush to use force but required him to report back every 60 days. It could have been worse for the president. They came within 12 votes of requiring him to have the report card signed by his dad.
& #149; The National Health Survey said that two-thirds of American adults are way overweight. The timing of the announcement was terrible. Buying clothes in new sizes every few months may be the only thing that’s keeping the economy going.
& #149; President Bush asked NATO allies to back a tough new U.N. resolution on Iraq. The clock is ticking. It’s a race to see if Iraq can develop weapons of mass destruction before President Bush learns how to pronounce the word “nuclear.”
& #149; “Swept Away” starring Madonna rode a huge wave of media promotion to the worst box-office opening weekend of the year. The movie was such a huge bomb that al-Qaeda was claiming credit for it.
& #149; Senate Democrats supported the president’s Iraq resolution with some reservations. They favor an alternative to war. Democrats believe if they can get Saddam Hussein to step down, it’s not too late to replace him with Frank Lautenberg.
Hamilton is the host comedian of the Comedy Store in Hollywood and writes a daily syndicated humor column. He can be reached for corporate performances at his Web site, www.ArgusHamilton.com
