ARGUS
Humor by Argus Hamilton
& #149; Dick Cheney disclosed he paid income taxes on income of $4.3 million in 2001. It’s a far cry from the $36 million he earned the year before. Still, considering what happened to everyone else who works for Enron, he came out just fine.
& #149; The FDA approved the marketing of Botox, which erases facial wrinkles. This could be trouble. Add Botox to Viagra, Ginkgo Biloba and Rogaine, and in five years, a girl won’t know if she’s going home with Brad Pitt or Strom Thurmond.
& #149; Jane Fonda dedicated the Oak Haven Home for Unwed Mothers in Dalton, Ga. It’s a nationwide problem. This spring, one-fourth of the girls at Los Angeles high schools are going to the Senior Prom with their Lamaze instructors.
& #149; Bill Clinton took a job with a Los Angeles investment firm. It was inevitable. After he lied under oath to hide an adulterous affair, Washington impeached him, Arkansas took away his law license, and Los Angeles named a street after him.
& #149; Pope John Paul II summoned all American cardinals to the Vatican. The meeting will be closed to the public. No one is sure what the prelates are going to hear, but a live performance by the Vienna Boys Choir would be a bad bet.
& #149; The Washington Post said President Bush’s budget is the largest since Lyndon Johnson’s Great Society. There are even more parallels. George Hamilton is still willing to date one of the president’s daughters if it will keep him out of the war.
& #149; Palestinian leaders accused Prime Minister Ariel Sharon of trying to colonize the West Bank and called Israel a racist regime. Their grievances are very real. The Palestinians are sick and tired of always having to blow up the back of the bus.
& #149; CBS News anchorman Dan Rather was startled while delivering the CBS Nightly News from the streets of Jerusalem last week when a car bomb exploded near him. The terrorists quickly issued a public apology. They thought it was Geraldo Rivera.
& #149; The Mideast crisis won’t affect George W. Bush’s place in history. He’ll always be known as the president who traded away Sammy Sosa.
Hamilton is the host comedian of the Comedy Store in Hollywood and writes a daily syndicated humor column. He can be reached for corporate performances at his Web site, www.ArgusHamilton.com
