ARGUS
Humor by Argus Hamilton
& #149; Barbie inventor Ruth Handler died at the age of 85 in Century City. She has achieved immortality. The creator of Barbie may have died, but thanks to Clairol, liposuction, breast implants, collagen and botox, her creation lives on.
& #149; The New York Friar’s Club did a tribute to the late Milton Berle. His estate includes the huge joke file he compiled during his 90-year career. It’s the most number of jokes stored in one place since the Nasdaq was at 5,000.
& #149; The Senate heard testimony from oil executives who insisted they did not scheme to reduce gas supplies and raise prices. It’s not necessary. The new Mercedes Benz SUV is so mammoth that the cup holder is an Englishman named Reginald.
& #149; President Bush and the Saudi Crown Prince spent a night together in Crawford. This nicely illustrates the Bush Doctrine: Anyone who harbors a terrorist had better control the excess capacity to stabilize world oil markets, or else he’s a terrorist.
& #149; President Bush raised millions for the California GOP at a dinner in Silicon Valley. Everybody at the banquet dined on free-range chicken. It was just a coincidence that Yasser Arafat was released from confinement that day.
& #149; Darryl Strawberry was sentenced to 18 months in prison over his numerous drug arrests. He violated probation six times before finally being sent to prison. Until now nobody knew that his probation officer is Cardinal Bernard Law.
& #149; San Diego girls were kicked out of a high school dance for wearing thong underwear. They were inspected at the door. Teachers are tired of having their Democratic presidents impeached after they work so hard to get them elected.
& #149; European Union leaders are upset over President Bush’s support for Israel. He was watching the NBA playoffs and he choked on a bagel and cream cheese.
& #149; Saddam Hussein wrote a stage play titled “Habiba and the King” which opened in Baghdad’s famed theater district. The reviews were unanimous. We no longer need weapons inspectors to know they have a giant bomb on their hands.
& #149; Charles Manson was denied parole for committing mass murder in Los Angeles in 1969. He single-handedly terrified the nation and today he wears a swastika on his forehead. Every six years he finishes third for president of France.
& #149; Congressman Tom DeLay told Texans not to send their kids to Texas A & M; after he learned that students have sex on campus. It’s a matter of morality. Texas Republicans believe sex is a sacred act between drilling rig and wildlife preserve.
Hamilton is the host comedian of the Comedy Store in Hollywood and writes a daily syndicated humor column. He can be reached for corporate performances at his web site,
www.ArgusHamilton.com.
