ARGUS
Humor by Argus Hamilton
& #149; Zacarias Moussaoui refused to let a psychiatrist assess his competence to represent himself in court. He’s charged with advance knowledge of the World Trade Center attacks. If convicted, he could get eight years as director of the FBI.
& #149; Bill Clinton stopped off in Japan on his way back from East Timor to accept an honorary college degree in Tokyo. They know him well. When he walked onstage to receive the degree the orchestra played “Pomp and Circumstantial Evidence.”
& #149; Rev. Franklin Graham gave the invocation at the White House prayer breakfast in Washington. Everyone stood while the son of Billy Graham prayed for the son of George Bush to the son of God. There is less nepotism in Hollywood.
& #149; Hispanic activists are mad over the new Star Wars film because the attacking clones look too much like Mexicans swarming over the border. Merchandising tie-ins didn’t help. At every Taco Bell, they’re giving away Pat Buchanan action figures.
& #149; The Hubble Telescope relayed spectacular photos of outer space back to Earth. They confirmed the theory that the universe is expanding and could blow up in one billion years. Tom Daschle is already claiming that Bush knew.
& #149; Osama bin Laden spoke out in a new video believed to have been taped last month. He extolled the virtues of martyrdom and threatened to bring down the United States government. Big deal, any idiot can memorize Enron’s mission statement.
& #149; Afghanistan formed an Olympic Committee to lobby for admission to the 2004 Games. They hope to field wrestling, boxing and shooting teams. Unfortunately for their track and field chances, their best runners are all in Pakistan by now.
& #149; British Royal Marines began suffering vomiting and diarrhea as they continued their advance into Pakistan. It wasn’t all bad news for the Mother Country. Gourmet magazine just upgraded England to second-worst food in the world.
& #149; Barry Bonds shrugged off threats of a players’ strike spoiling his season. The slugger is staying focused. He’s got a very good chance of breaking Mark McGwire’s all-time record for number of home runs hit during an impeachment year.
& #149; FBI agents in Phoenix warned in June that Arabs could be planning to crash airplanes into the World Trade Center but the bureau did nothing to prevent the terrorist attacks. It’s an outrage. Ariel Sharon just called and offered to bulldoze FBI headquarters for us.
Hamilton is the host comedian of the Comedy Store in Hollywood and writes a daily syndicated humor column. He can be reached for corporate performances at his web site, www.Argus Hamilton.com
