ARGUS
Humor by Argus Hamilton
& #149; President Bush flew to South Carolina and raised $1.2 million for the Republican Party. He will do two fundraisers a week during his August vacation. When he said he was going to make corporate wrongdoers pay, this is what he meant.
& #149; Exxon Mobil disappointed investors with an earnings report Thursday and Wall Street tumbled. Their merger was a mistake. If Mobil had instead merged with Enron and formed Moron, investors would at least have known what they were getting.
& #149; Attorney General John Ashcroft swore an oath that corrupt corporate executives will meet the judgment they fear and the punishment they deserve. That’s ridiculous. He doesn’t have the power to make them go back to their first wives.
& #149; Florida residents tried out a new touch-screen voting system in a Broward County election. Laws against convicted felons voting have been loosened. For instance, Pee Wee Herman is now allowed to vote in Florida, he just can’t close the curtain all the way.
& #149; Jimmy Carter offered to mediate the dispute between baseball players and team owners to avoid a strike. What a colossal ego. Just because he can get a signed peace agreement between Israel and Egypt, he thinks he can work miracles.
& #149; President Bush signed the Corporate Fraud Bill into law. He promised that crooked CEOs would start getting hard prison time. Until now, no one was sentenced to anything tougher than four to eight years in the vice president’s mansion.
& #149; The U.S. Senate admonished Bob Torricelli of New Jersey. He illegally received cash, suits, a Rolex and jewelry. Although he wasn’t expelled, he still faces censure by the New Jersey Chamber of Commerce for not checking for microphones.
& #149; “Goldmember” featuring Austin Powers opened at theaters nationwide. It’s a comedy, it’s full of cheap sex jokes, and it made $71 million in three days. Hollywood is finally convinced that the Ken Starr Report must be made into a movie.
& #149; The Rolling Stones will launch their final American tour in September in New York City. Their first tour was 40 years ago. This year, their fans will still be bringing them drugs backstage, except now there is a $25 co-pay.
Hamilton is the host comedian of the Comedy Store in Hollywood and writes a daily syndicated humor column. He can be reached for corporate performances at his web site, www.Argus-Hamilton.com.
