As people live longer, more and more couples that are grandma and grandpa’s age are getting divorced, says Newport Beach-based lawyer Paul Nelson.
“I have a high handful of cases where one or the other parties are in their 80s, many, many where they’re in the 70s and a plethora of them in their 60s,” according to Nelson, one of OC’s best-known divorce law-yers.
Nelson founded the firm Nelson Kirkman in 2012, now with five lawyers. He is the author of the 2023 book “The Dissolution Solution: A Divorce Lawyer’s Advice on the Best Ways to Part Ways.”
The growing number of “gray divorces” marks a huge shift from the past.
Longer Life Spans, Later Marriages
A quarter of a century ago, it was people in their late 30s, 40s and 50s who called it splits.
That’s changed with longer life spans and later marriages.
“I think the rate for 50-plus divorces has doubled since about the 1990s,” Nelson told the Business Journal on March 6, citing research statistics.
According to divorce data by Bowling Green State University’s National Center for Family & Marriage Research, divorce rates for those ages 45 and over tripled from 1990 to 2021.
Nelson has seen these changes firsthand since going into divorce law in the late 1990s, especially as the stigma surrounding divorce has faded into the past.
$100M in Assets
Early-on divorces are easier before the couple has built up large businesses and financial assets.
Some come to him for a second divorce, years after the first one.
“They didn’t have the assets, and they had a simple divorce back then. They don’t understand the complexities, the time and the cost of what it’s going to take when you’re in your 60s and 70s and you have $20 million to $100 million in assets.”
Sometimes assets can top $500 million.
Forensic accountants are often needed to untangle what property belongs to each spouse, based on what was brought into the marriage and what was acquired later. Tax specialists are needed to ensure property transfer of wealth.
“My beat is Southern California, specifically Orange County,” he wrote in his 2023 book.
No Reason to Stay Married
On the emotional side, he says, couples in their 60s often face a new personal reality once the kids are out of the house.
“We have nothing in common. No reason for us to be married,” some couples conclude.
The fallout from a gray divorce can reverberate down to grandchildren.
Nelson says he counsels his clients carefully before proceeding.
“Have you tried everything else?” he asks them. “Are you sure you want to do this?”
He notes another change he’s experienced over a long career.
“The longer I practice, the more cases I settle.”
Hot Yoga Helps Keep Stress Away
Many lawyers say that family law, including handling divorce cases, can be emotionally taxing on the attorneys, too.
“It does take some doing to separate what you’re doing in here versus your home life,” OC divorce lawyer Paul Nelson says.
Nelson says he’s struck a balance to prevent the professional pressures from weighing on him personally.
“I can turn it off by doing things like hot yoga pretty much every night,” he says. “When you’re in hot yoga for an hour right after work, you can’t think of anything when you’re in a 104-degree room with 60% humidity.”
He says he “almost never” works weekends, and he takes three-day weekends and a lot of vacation.
Nelson was divorced, then remarried and is about to celebrate his 20th anniversary in August.
“They say you should never trust a skinny chef or a fat doctor. By this measure, you also shouldn’t trust a family law attorney who hasn’t been divorced,” Nelson wrote in his book.
“Guess what? I’ve been there. I’ve done the deed. I’ve personally experienced all the pain, the anger, the rage, the self-loathing, the doubts, the recriminations, the resentments, the second-guessing, the sleepless nights and the blessed relief that’s part and parcel of the divorce experience.”
