+++The Clinton Library Project in Little Rock was hit with a huge lawsuit. It claims that the plan to fund the library is not legal. Look, either you’re building a monument to Bill Clinton or you’re not.
+++American billionaire Dennis Tito purchased a ride on the International Space Station for $20 million. Weightlessness is very expensive. It cost the Republicans $100 million to get George W. Bush elected president.
+++The CIA opened Adolf Hitler’s secret file. The interviews are fascinating. His doctor predicted he would become the craziest criminal the world would ever know and the star of a hit Broadway musical.
+++Jerry Springer will serve as a guest commentator on Britain’s national election this June. He’s not afraid of sheep with hoof-and-mouth and mad cows exploding left and right. For him, it’s just another day at the office.
+++San Francisco voted to pay for sex change operations for city workers who want them. Soon, roadside construction signs will read, “Anybody’s Guess at Work.”
+++”West Wing” producer Aaron Sorkin was charged with possession of hallucinogenic mushrooms, rock cocaine and marijuana. He was arrested at the airport on the way to Las Vegas. Some people just can’t stand watered drinks.
+++Gov. Gary Johnson was in Washington lobbying to legalize marijuana in New Mexico. Some governors will try anything to attract Hollywood filmmakers to shoot in their states.
+++The Chicago Tribune says Chicago had the most error-prone presidential election of any city in the U.S. Sixty percent of the headstones were registered in the wrong precincts.
+++Al Gore reportedly has gained 40 pounds since losing the presidential election. The scale doesn’t lie. Just the same, Gore is demanding to be re-weighed in Palm Beach County.
+++European Union leaders expressed concern about President Bush’s Latin American tilt. He’s never been to Europe. However, he’s been to Mexico so often that if you knocked him on the head with a stick, prizes would fall out.
+++The NFL held its annual college player draft. Next comes training camp. For 30 days, the recruits must practice getting out of the car, touching their noses and walking a straight line until it’s second nature.
+++Manhattan nightclubs are hiring private ambulances to sit outside the front door. Now, patrons can live the good life and know that emergency treatment is immediately available. It’s like being vice president for a day.
+++At the summit in Quebec, President Bush promoted free trade throughout the hemisphere. Everyone wants to trade with the U.S. now that George W. Bush is president. They all think they’re going to get Sammy Sosa.
+++Troy Aikman signed with Fox Sports to provide color commentary for NFL games this coming season. No one knows how well he’ll perform. He will need at least three more concussions before he’s as good as Terry Bradshaw.
Hamilton is the host comedian of the Comedy Store in Hollywood and writes a daily syndicated humor column. He can be reached for corporate performances at his web site, www.ArgusHamilton.com.
