ARGUS
President Bush signed a bill to federalize airport baggage screeners. They will all be government workers. If this works out as well as the Post Office did, frequent flyers will soon be Federal Expressing themselves from Point A to Point B to save six hours a day.
Afghans danced in the streets of Kabul after the Northern Alliance freed the city. They’re hearing music on the radio for the first time since 1996. Another two months of the Macarena and they’re going to want the Taliban back.
Defense Secretary Don Rumsfeld said he hopes the $25 million reward for Osama bin Laden will encourage the locals to find him. Otherwise U.S. troops will have to go cave-to-cave. No one wants to risk walking in on Dick Cheney in his underwear.
Phillips Petroleum and Conoco announced they will merge and form a new company called ConocoPhillips. This is a $35 billion deal. It’s the third largest oil merger in the last two years, after Exxon-Mobil and Bush-Cheney.
The Northern Alliance is struggling to form a government. Rival chiefs can’t agree where to meet, they won’t relinquish territory and they refuse to divide up revenues. No wonder George W. Bush likes these guys,at heart, they’re baseball owners.
U.S. and British troops fanned out into Afghanistan looking for Osama bin Laden. They’re searching every cave. Nobody’s spent this much time looking in holes in the ground to find a killer since O.J. Simpson played Pebble Beach.
Reverend Franklin Graham declared it was the believers of Islam that planned the World Trade Center attack, not Methodists. That’s not a fair thing to say. By the time most Methodists moved into the World Trade Center, they were Episcopalians anyway.
Al-Hayat newspaper reported Osama bin Laden has sent out 10 lookalikes to foil the allied hunt for him. The Marines were ordered to bring all of them back alive. If those guys can dance, Mel Brooks has another hit on his hands.
Afghanistan President Burhanuddin Rabbani returned from exile. He arrived in a convoy of vehicles with his photo plastered on every car window. He got the idea watching Britney Spears drive to the grocery store in Beverly Hills.
Taliban leader Mullah Omar challenged President Bush to a duel. Bush accepted, as long as they could have it in Florida.
U.S. bombs killed al-Qaeda leader Mohammed Atef. He was the number-two man in the outfit but masterminded the entire operation. It sounds like they were just a heart condition away from the American system of government.
Congress passed an aviation security bill. It requires all checked baggage to be screened for explosives by the end of 2002. The thinking is, holiday travelers will spend a lot more money if their luggage doesn’t arrive for 13 months.
Hamilton is the host comedian of the Comedy Store in Hollywood and writes a daily syndicated humor column. He can be reached for corporate performances at his web site, www.ArgusHamilton.com.
