n President Clinton announced the U.S. government successfully weathered the I Love You virus. It’s time he stopped bragging about surviving impeachment.
n Rudy Giuliani admitted an affair with a staffer in 1999. He made up with his wife last May but then decided he loves a third woman. It sounds like we’ve got the wrong Republican doing commercials for Viagra.
n George W. Bush and John McCain put on their best faces in Pittsburgh. They said they are friends and respect each other. There was so much insincerity in that room that Beverly Hills named Pittsburgh its Sister City.
n Congress is weighing a law to let the U.S. government regulate roller coasters. They say the diving, climbing and dropping causes injuries. They want a sign on Wall Street saying you must be this tall to ride the NASDAQ.
n Al Gore finally endorsed the China trade bill. It’s opposed by labor unions and environmentalists. Dr. Kevorkian sent a note from prison congratulating Gore on his decision to finally take the big step.
n Sierra Leone residents begged English commandos to remain in Freetown after British subjects are evacuated. It’s said that civil war and racial strife will occur if the British Army leaves. We only have America to go by.
n Bob Hope made a special appearance at the Library of Congress in the nation’s capital. He donated 88,000 pages of comedy material. Over the years, only the American voter has sent more jokes to Washington.
n The Illinois Big Game lottery announced two winning tickets will split the $350 million prize. Two people won the American dream. They can now afford a mansion, a Rolls Royce, a private jet and prescription medication.
n President Clinton issued an executive order allowing African countries to steal the patents of U.S. drug companies. That’s the good news. The bad news is, he bombed their only pharmaceutical factory in 1998.
n The Justice Department is threatening to take over the LAPD. The feds will be sorry if they try to enforce the law in Los Angeles. We’ve got enough six-year-old Hispanic boys to keep them busy for a long, long time.
n Jerry Ford and Jimmy Carter backed the China trade bill in Washington, D.C. Alan Greenspan almost fainted. He’s worried enough about inflation without seeing Jerry Ford and Jimmy Carter back in the White House.
n The Justice Department scoffed at Microsoft’s latest settlement offer. Things are starting to look bleak. If Hollywood were to shoot a movie about Bill Gates today, it would be titled “Goodbye, Mr. Microchips.”
n “Gladiator” is a big hit at the movie box office. In it a former soldier kills all his enemies inside the ring and becomes a crowd favorite and a political force. At the end of the movie, he’s elected Emperor of Minnesota.
n Pegasus won the 125th Kentucky Derby ahead of Aptitude in second place and Impeachment third. Impeachment paid $4 to show. It isn’t much, but it’s a lot more than the Republicans got out of it.
n The FBI announced it is investigating if Israeli spies had the White House residence and Oval Office telephones tapped since 1995. This information is highly valuable. In some circles it goes for $2.99 a minute.
n Zimbabwe’s President Mugabe is allowing mobs of squatters to murder white farmers and seize their land. The farmers had been growing tobacco. This is what happens when you don’t pay up to the trial lawyers.
n Former White House Counsel Charles Ruff testified before Congress and said he can’t remember how the White House e-mail disappeared, where it went or who looked for it. What’s the difference between a White House lawyer and a Mafia witness? Rudy Giuliani can defeat a Mafia witness.
Hamilton is the host comedian of the Comedy Store in Hollywood and writes a daily syndicated humor column. He can be reached for corporate performances at his web site, www.ArgusHamilton.com.
