n The GOP debate was held in the Los Angeles Times building. John McCain appeared via satellite from St. Louis. After losing the last three primaries, he decided to stop by Mark McGwire’s locker for some of that home run powder.
n Al Gore’s fund-raiser Maria Hsia was convicted of hiding the names of foreign donors by getting Buddhist nuns and monks to sign the checks. Democrats should be ashamed. It never should have required this much effort to beat Bob Dole.
n Al Gore gave a wildly energized sermon at an African-American church in Los Angeles. He ranted on like a crazed televangelist. Five more minutes, and John McCain would have flown to Virginia to denounce him.
n George W. Bush appeared on David Letterman’s show and drew groans with his jokes. John McCain bombed on Jay Leno’s “Tonight” show. The general public doesn’t always appreciate GOP humor. The last conservative who tried to be funny spent all Thursday last week apologizing to his Atlanta Braves teammates.
n Rudolph Valentino’s 1920s film “The Married Virgin” will come out on video this summer. Movie fans launched a campaign to get “The Married Virgin” nominated for an Academy Award. Or, at the very least, elected to the U.S. Senate from New York.
n John McCain and George W. Bush found themselves engaged in a screaming match over religion. It’s so embarrassing. They could wind up being the first two Episcopalians ever to appear on the Jerry Springer Show.
n John McCain ripped into Pat Robertson and Jerry Falwell. The next day, Christian conservatives came out and voted against him by an 8-1 margin. Only General McClellan had a stupider plan to capture Virginia.
n President Clinton told reporters on Air Force One that 18 of the 20 couples he married while Arkansas governor are still married. It’s all good news. Even the two couples that got divorced are still first-cousins.
nThe NFL increased the salary cap for each NFL club to $62 million. It’s a fair split. On each team, the quarterback gets $10 million for running the offense while Johnnie Cochran gets $10 million for handling the defense.
n Al Gore has visited LA 60 times, and if his motorcade ties up traffic on Sunset Boulevard one more time, the Secret Service won’t be able to save him.
n The Reform Party is circulating signature petitions urging Ross Perot to run for president in 2000. It should be a sin to encourage this man to seek more power. If you give Ross Perot an inch, he’d be five-foot-four.
n Former President George Bush got good news on his heart Saturday from doctors giving him a second opinion. He’s so relieved. The last time he got a second opinion, he was thrown out of office and replaced by Bill Clinton.
n Tonya Harding was arrested for smashing her husband in the face with a hubcap. It was her second arrest for spousal assault. Fox just offered her $10 million to marry O.J. Simpson and keep a camera running in the living room.
Hamilton is the host comedian of the Comedy Store in Hollywood and writes a daily syndicated humor column. He can be reached for corporate performances at his web site, www.ArgusHamilton.com.
