n Elian Gonzalez’ relatives in Miami said they will fight in the courts to keep the six-year old from being returned to Fidel Castro. They’re lucky to be in Florida. A California court would return the child to O.J.
n Elian’s neighbors vowed to form a human chain around his home to keep away the Justice Department. They think Janet Reno wouldn’t dare harm civilians. It just shows how many of these people washed up here after 1993.
n Charlton Heston did an NRA commercial that accuses the White House of lying on gun control. It’s not the burning issue he would like it to be. In California, we believe that guns don’t kill people, gasoline prices do.
n The Academy Awards looked like a commercial for the Democratic Party. Nominated for Best Picture were anti-tobacco, pro-abortion and anti-death penalty movies. The Oscar statue itself is an Al Gore action figure.
n Warren Beatty received the Irving Thalberg Lifetime Achievement Award for the films he’s produced. He is the very definition of a Hollywood liberal. He built a mansion in Bel-Air off his profits from the movie “Reds.”
n Kevin Spacey met with Democrats to offer his help in the fall elections. He’s their guy. If Al Gore is going to convince voters he’s for campaign finance reform, he’s going to need a first-class acting coach.
n George W. Bush is rumored to be leaning toward naming Pennsylvania’s governor Tom Ridge to be his running mate this fall. The Republican voters would flock to Bush Ridge. They would think it’s a gated community.
n Blue Cross warned against the use of androstenedione by teenage boys. They say the muscle supplement causes heart disease, cancer and stroke. They’ll never keep kids away from a drug that sounds that much like tobacco.
n Rudy Giuliani infuriated Harlem by his insensitivity to cop shootings of unarmed black men. His indifference is epic. He could end up being the first man elected New York Senator and Mississippi governor on the same day.
n Dan Quayle joined the Denver investment banking firm of J.D. Ford & Company. The company is testing the proposition that any idiot can make a fortune in today’s market.
n Jerry Falwell announced he will help raise money for George W. Bush to restore morality to the White House. He says he’s never been alone in a room with any woman but his wife and daughter. It’s the Woody Allen defense.
Hamilton is the host comedian of the Comedy Store in Hollywood and writes a daily syndicated humor column. He can be reached for corporate performances at his web site, www.ArgusHamilton.com.
