n The Associated Press reported that 342 Major League baseball players will earn $1 million or more in salary during the 2000 season. This is highly disruptive. Every time the phone in the bullpen rings, it’s Al Gore.
n Teamster drivers were striking bakeries along the East Coast. It caused a nationwide shortage of Twinkies and Cupcakes. Luckily, with Congress back in session, there is still one Ding Dong for every 500,000 Americans.
n A U.S. Court upheld an INS ruling to send Elian Gonzalez back home to Havana. The president is very hesitant to act on this matter. The last time he tried to tell someone where to put a Cuban he got himself impeached.
n George W. Bush visited a grade school in Illinois to highlight his education agenda. He spent an hour monitoring a fourth-grade class. However, it didn’t help his image when the cameras caught him taking notes.
n The Secret Service made President Clinton cancel his trip to a remote Bangladeshi village. The trip required a helicopter flight over rice paddies and possible rocket attack. He avoided a similar trip back in 1968.
n MicroStrategy’s Michael Saylor plans to bankroll an online university. He wants everyone to experience college. It’s a nice idea, but it won’t work until someone can figure out a way to get beer to come through a modem.
n Pope John Paul II visited Israel in the first papal visit ever to the Jewish state. He couldn’t wait to preach there. Performers are always looking for audiences that have never heard their material before.
n The NRA accused President Clinton of having blood on his hands. First they said he was a liar, then a sexual predator, and now he’s a homicidal maniac. No one ever asked, but Freddy Krueger also had a 70% approval rating.
n John Rocker returned to pitch for the Atlanta Braves after his suspension for criticizing immigrants. The crowd gave him a 45-second standing ovation. It looks like Pat Buchanan is a man whose time has come.
n Hillary Clinton will attend Opening Day at Yankee Stadium. It could be risky. Last year, when Yogi Berra was asked to throw out the first pitch, he said he thought Mrs. Clinton should be allowed to stay and enjoy the game.
n The Weather Channel said it’s been the warmest winter in history. In Philadelphia, snakes emerged from the Delaware River months ahead of schedule. The Republican Convention isn’t supposed to start until August.
n Al Gore said he’s the man best qualified to be president. He’s not flunking any pop quizzes on national leaders. At a fundraiser, he correctly named the presidents on the $50, $100, $500, and $1,000 bills.
n Anthropologists found fossils of tiny primates as big as a thumbprint. They found that 45 million years ago, our ancestors were the size of a shrew. Even more frightening, every one of us could be related to Ross Perot.
Hamilton is the host comedian of the Comedy Store in Hollywood and writes a daily syndicated humor column. He can be reached for corporate performances at his web site, www.ArgusHamilton.com.
