n Bill Bradley and Al Gore bickered in California over abortion rights and gun control. Those aren’t our issues. Californians will vote for the candidate who offers us the best car phone reception in the canyons.
n John McCain released a set of commercials emphasizing his Vietnam service and heroism in captivity. He spent five years in a prison before being elected to public office. Most politicians do it the other way around.
n President Clinton expressed concern over high home-heating oil prices in the Mid-Atlantic. This winter is harsh there. He nearly froze to death in the White House on Feb. 14, but after all it was Valentine’s Day.
n Barbara Eden criticized “I Dream of Jeannie” for glamorizing drinking. It was insidious. The show persuaded a generation of men that if they open enough bottles they’ll find a gorgeous blonde who will call them Master.
n Hillary Clinton stiffed a waitress in New York and the story was front-page news statewide. Two days later, she gained four points in the polls. If there’s one thing that New Yorkers appreciate, it’s rudeness.
n “Who Wants to be a Millionaire” was sued by the insurance company that pays the prize money because the questions are too easy. They really are. Watching from his hotel room, George W. Bush was 5 for 5.
n Jesse Ventura quit the Reform Party. The party split because Ross Perot wanted Pat Buchanan and Jesse Ventura wanted Donald Trump. You would have to hijack a UPS truck on Christmas Eve to find more fruitcakes.
n President Clinton summoned computer experts to Washington, D.C. to discuss ways to combat web assault. He wants to jail these hackers. They were such idiots to crash HotBabes.com while Hillary was out of town campaigning.
n John McCain held a campaign fund-raiser at a Washington ,D.C. hotel. He charged lobbyists $1,000-a-plate to hear him proclaim his plan to clean up campaign finance. It’s the hardest they’ve laughed in years.
n Steve Forbes asked to speak at the GOP convention after bowing out of the race. He has the Republicans over a barrel. If they aren’t nice to him, he could spend the rest of his life publishing bad stock tips.
n Major League Baseball approved the muscle supplement androstenedione. It doesn’t raise testosterone levels but it may cause breast enlargement in men. Victoria’s Secret’s new tops come in sizes A, B, C, D and McGwires.
n Elian Gonzalez’s Miami uncles were found to be drunk drivers. The uncles charged the Cuban grandmother is a molester. We should get this case out of federal courts and settle it on the Jerry Springer Show where it belongs.
n George W. Bush spoke at Bob Jones University, which doesn’t allow mixed-couple dating. That means different things in different places. In South Africa, it means black and white, in Northern Ireland, it means Protestant and Catholic, and in West Hollywood, it means a man and a woman.
n Dennis Rodman signed with the Dallas Mavericks. He’s incredibly athletic. Dennis Rodman can do everything Michael Jordan can do, except that Dennis does it backwards and in high heels.
Hamilton is the host comedian of the Comedy Store in Hollywood and writes a daily syndicated humor column. He can be reached for corporate performances at his web site, www.ArgusHamilton.com.
