ARGUS
Humor by Argus Hamilton
& #149; The Pentagon says Al Qaeda prisoners in Guantanamo have gained an average of 10 pounds each since arriving. That’s in spite of an intermittent hunger strike. It’s so amazing how much weight you can put on as soon as you stop eating airline food.
& #149; GOP Chairman Dan Burton issued a congressional committee report accusing Bill Clinton of encouraging his relatives to profit by lobbying for pardons. The ex-president responded to his longtime pursuer with a two-word statement. Beep Beep.
& #149; Mike Tyson was granted a boxing license by Washington D.C. to fight for the heavyweight title. He has been convicted of rape, road rage assault and sexual battery. Everyone’s just grateful that Washington didn’t grant him a pilot’s license.
& #149; Ted Koppel lectured ABC executives in Hollywood after comedian David Letterman decided not to jump ship and replace “Nightline.” The newsman certainly showed courage. Only Indiana Jones was ever surrounded by more snakes in one room.
& #149; U.S. troops routed Al Qaeda in the Shah-e-Kot mountains. The enemy emerged from their caves firing machine guns, grenade launchers, and anti-tank rockets. Only Rosie O’Donnell made more noise coming out in the last month.
& #149; President Bush said he has no respect for Saddam Hussein after the man used poison gas on his own people. He said it three times. The idea is to do commercials for his brother’s campaign against Janet Reno as subtly as possible.
& #149; President Robert Mugabe won a disputed election in Zimbabwe. Voters used a controversial punch card ballot. To make each vote count, the president’s supporters were instructed to punch all the way through the president’s opponents.
& #149; The New York Yankees were rocked by internal problems. Ruben Rivera stole a glove, Dwight Gooden got a DUI and Darryl Strawberry broke his parole. New York is changing to name of Yankee Stadium to the Halfway House that Ruth Built.
& #149; NBC News reported the population growth rate is declining in America. Experts cite two reasons. More women are using birth control and in the last 18 months, there’s has been less pressure on men to keep up with the president.
& #149; Hillary Clinton finished a close second in the Democratic presidential polls. A camera crew is following her at every public appearance in case she needs to make a campaign film. Republicans call this film the “Blonde Witch Project.”
& #149; Darryl Strawberry was arrested on his 40th birthday for violating the terms of his court-ordered treatment program. This is a great time for him to turn things around. If he can quit on his 40th birthday he could still become president.
Hamilton is the host comedian of the Comedy Store in Hollywood and writes a daily syndicated humor column. He can be reached for corporate performances at his web site,
www.ArgusHamilton.com.
