ARGUS
Humor by Argus Hamilton
& #149; Bill Clinton returned from Asia to begin working for an investment firm based in Los Angeles. He’s considered by Republicans to be an immoral, self-centered, vain stage hog. The question is, who’s going to notice him in Los Angeles?
& #149; The Insurance Institute for Highway Safety announced that the Jaguar flunked its slow-speed crash test. A five mile-per-hour bump caused $6,770 worth in damage to the sports car. That’s what happens when you store your cocaine in the front bumper.
& #149; The Department of Education expressed concern about low math scores by California high school students. The problem extends into adulthood. The latest survey shows that 10 out of nine Californians have trouble comprehending fractions.
& #149; Iraq claimed it took control of an unmanned U.S. spy plane and forced it down. The Pentagon insists none of our Predators are missing. Woody Allen and Roman Polanski were present and accounted for at the Cannes Film Festival.
& #149; President Bush flew to Rome to receive an audience with Pope John Paul II in his Vatican quarters. They didn’t get along very well on a personal basis. Neither one of them is too crazy about the other’s holier-than-thou attitude.
& #149; The Hubble telescope sent back more pictures from the edge of the universe. They confirm new theories about quantum mechanics and natural law. Physicists now insist the three things that are infinite are space, time and the NBA playoffs.
& #149; The Senate will investigate the catastrophic mistakes by the FBI last year. They lost boxes full of Tim McVeigh evidence and ignored warnings about Middle East hijackers. Morale is so low that agents are leaving the bureau for the priesthood.
& #149; President Bush met with Vladimir Putin in Moscow and smoothed the way for the Baltic countries to join NATO. To qualify for membership, you must be European and have a member’s recommendation. It’s like buying a house in Kennebunkport.
& #149; Bill Clinton spoke in Shenzhen, China, for a Business Week forum promoting free trade. This city tolerates police torture, slave labor and illegal gambling dens, and it jails Roman Catholics. With a racetrack, it would be Hot Springs.
& #149; Europe agreed to accept 12 of the 13 exiled Palestinian militants from Cyprus. Officials were still looking for a country willing to take the last remaining man. He’s believed to be the PLO chairman’s brother, Roger Arafat.
Hamilton is the host comedian of the Comedy Store in Hollywood and writes a daily syndicated humor column. He can be reached for corporate performances at his web site, www.ArgusHamilton.com
