ARGUS
by Argus Hamilton
& #149; Enron revealed it paid $744 million to top executives the year before the company declared bankruptcy. It’s shaken confidence in Wall Street. Public regard for corporate executives is so low now that O.J Simpson is telling CEO jokes.
& #149; “Scooby-Doo” had a $56 million opening weekend while “Spider-Man” went past the $200 million mark. It wasn’t overlooked in Washington. The Democratic National Committee sent telegrams to Gray Davis and Al Gore begging them to be more animated.
& #149; Jesse Ventura announced he will not seek re-election for governor of Minnesota. It’s easy to see why. With “Scooby-Doo” and “Spider-Man” burning up the box office, no self-respecting cartoon character needs to settle for government work.
& #149; Southern California was swept by destructive brushfires. Everything possible was done to prevent them. After he heard what started the Colorado fire, Gov. Davis asked all husbands who are jilting their wives to do so by telephone.
& #149; The Washington Post said al-Qaeda operatives are protecting their assets from seizure by converting them into gold and diamonds. What they can’t carry, they wear. It explains the recent rash of Liberace sightings in Europe and Pakistan.
& #149; Bill Clinton made $9 million giving speeches last year. That puts him number two on the money list behind Tiger Woods among all active golfers.
& #149; President Bush and Laura hosted the White House Conference on Character and Community. The idea is to encourage every American to live by family values and personal responsibility. Hollywood may not secede just from Los Angeles.
& #149; The Washington Post said the White House authorized covert activities by the CIA only two months after the FBI expanded its surveillance powers. The same day, U.S. soldiers were fired on in Southeast Asia amid campus anti-war protests. The good news is, cocaine and disco come back two years after the president resigns.
& #149; John Gotti’s funeral in Queens was a parade of limousines adorned by floral bouquets. However, his church refused him a Catholic burial Mass. It was the first time we had heard recently that there are some things a priest won’t do.
Hamilton is the host comedian of the Comedy Store in Hollywood and writes a daily syndicated humor column. He can be reached for corporate performances at his web site, www.ArgusHamilton.com.
