ARGUS
Humor by Argus Hamiliton
& #149; Congress will call Martha Stewart to testify about insider stock trading and she also faces investigation by the SEC. She’s starting to get a little nervous. Next month’s “Martha Stewart Living” has a recipe for a cake with a file baked into it.
& #149; Brazil upset Germany 2-0 to capture the World Cup. It wasn’t worth getting up at 4 in the morning for most Americans. Anyway, if you missed the highlights on “SportsCenter,” the History Channel airs a German defeat every two hours.
& #149; President Bush underwent an examination of his digestive tract at Camp David. Colonoscopies are very common. The procedure was performed on President Clinton back in 1998 and doctors removed two special prosecutors and a wedding ring.
& #149; U.S. officials charged a part-time firefighter with starting the Show Low Fire in Arizona. He told investigators he needed work and he did it with a profit motive. Some guys will say anything to get a pardon out of a Republican president.
& #149; President Bush signed a paper transferring presidential power to Dick Cheney during his sedation. It lasted less than three hours. That’s nothing to you and me, but for the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge it will be forever known as The Longest Day.
& #149; The Supreme Court ruled that chaining prisoners to a post in Alabama is cruel and unusual punishment. The ruling was limited. This doesn’t affect San Francisco, where chaining men to a post is $200 an hour plus drinks.
& #149; The Supreme Court upheld taxpayer-paid vouchers for inner-city children in Cleveland to use at local Catholic schools. It’s in the children’s best interest. If these kids go to Catholic school, they can get a great start in life with a halfway decent cash settlement from the archdiocese.
& #149; Xerox admitted that it made $2 billion less in revenue than it told both investors and the SEC. People were absolutely shocked. When you manufacture the greatest color copier in the world, your company should never run short of cash.
& #149; John McEnroe was accused by his former wife Tatum O’Neal of taking steroids while he starred on the professional tennis circuit. It came as no great shock. People have wondered for years how he managed to hit 70 home runs at Wimbledon.
& #149; Florida’s attorney general is prosecuting Miss Cleo for charging callers $5 per minute to speak to telephone solicitors posing as psychics. She offers a good deal. Merrill Lynch charges $50 plus a percentage for essentially the same service.
Hamilton is the host comedian of the Comedy Store in Hollywood and writes a daily syndicated humor column. He can be reached for corporate performances at his web site, www.ArgusHamilton.com.
