ARGUS
Humor by Argus Hamilton
ABC News said the CIA thinks Osama bin Laden slipped their grasp and escaped the region by sea. The CIA denied the report, and said that he’s staying somewhere in a Taliban-friendly environment. He’s just been granted tenure at Berkeley.
Lisa Kerkorian, 36-year-old ex-wife of 84-year-old billionaire Kirk Kerkorian, has gone to court seeking $320,000 a month in child support for their three-year-old daughter. That amount includes $436 for the pet bunny. It would be more, but the bunny spends most of her time with Kirk.
Michael Jordan was sued for divorce by his wife of 12 years, Juanita Vanoy Jordan. She could wind up with a $200 million fortune. Only Joan Kennedy got more money out of a husband who played in Washington.
President Bush choked on a pretzel and fainted while watching an NFL game at the White House. He hit his head on the coffee table when he fell off the couch. Within 48 hours, Chevy Chase announced he’s returning to “Saturday Night Live.”
Human Rights Watch argued terrorists at Guantanamo should be allowed to keep their facial hair. The Army plans to shave the prisoners for hygiene and safety. Don’t laugh, the Democrats plan to shave the candidates for New Hampshire and Iowa.
The Pentagon claimed Al Qaeda prisoners are being served culturally sensitive meals. For example, we offered them bagels and cream cheese for breakfast. If we were any more culturally sensitive, Jackie Mason would fly in to do the dinner show.
Director of Homeland Security Tom Ridge inspected the Salt Lake City Winter Olympic games site and pronounced it safe. The watchword is vigilance. We now live in a world where Dick Cheney is just a pretzel away from the presidency.
Iraqi President Saddam Hussein said his armies will crush U.S. forces if they attack Iraq. He’d better watch his mouth. He may not think much of the United States military, but we have got 100,000 hockey dads no nation wants to face.
The Bush administration said it denied Enron’s pleas for help as the company was collapsing. It’s the biggest bankruptcy ever. The Justice Department’s first job is to prevent Enron chairman Kenneth Lay from slipping over the border into Pakistan.
Arthur Andersen destroyed Enron records while Enron’s board pumped and dumped the stock, making billions at the expense of shareholders and the employee pension fund. It was a near-perfect con job. Joe Lieberman called for indictments, Ted Kennedy demanded an IRS audit, and Hillary Clinton held up a 9.9 on her judge’s card.
Hamilton is the host comedian of the Comedy Store in Hollywood and writes a daily syndicated humor column. He can be reached for corporate performances at his web site,
www.ArgusHamilton.com.
