ARGUS
Humor by Argus Hamilton
& #149; Newsweek says Bill Clinton was standing on a hotel balcony in Paris recently when a woman opened her robe and flashed him from another balcony. The poor guy. The whole idea of a vacation is to get away from the everyday office routine.
& #149; Fortune magazine named Wal-Mart as America’s largest company in their annual top 500 list. Enron moved up three places from number eight to number five. This is scientific proof, once and for all, that there’s no such thing as bad publicity.
& #149; The Organization of the Islamic Conference threatened the West for backing Israel against the PLO. The conference is huge. There are 57 Islamic nations, 56 if Bush can talk Blair into it.
& #149; Yasser Arafat was holed up in his residential compound by Israeli tanks and machine gunners. There was one way out, but he wasn’t thinking clearly enough to go shopping for office space in Harlem.
& #149; Playgirl announced it will do a nude photo spread on the Men of Enron. Last week, Playboy announced a nude layout on the Women of Enron. Everybody wants to know how far an Enron employee can go without being indicted by John Ashcroft.
& #149; Donald Trump announced he sold the Empire State Building to a group of local real estate investors for $58 million. It’s the same old story with him. He dumped the Empire State Building for a younger building with a really cute abutment.
& #149; President Bush went to Mexico to propose amnesty for illegal immigrants in America. He has a natural empathy for people from another land who aren’t made to feel welcome. He was eight years old before he knew his name wasn’t Yankee Carpetbagger.
& #149; Hillary Clinton was dogged in Dublin by persistent press reports that she and Bill are going to buy a house in Ireland. It’s the answer to a bishop’s prayer. The only thing that can save the Catholic Church right now is a Protestant sex scandal.
& #149; The Academy Awards gave Denzel Washington the Oscar for Best Actor and Halle Berry won Best Actress. It was an unprecedented sweep for black actors. The Republicans are demanding to know if they counted the overseas military ballots.
& #149; The Academy Awards were held at Hollywood’s Kodak Theater amidst heavy security. A bomb was confiscated. Just before the show started, the police caught Kevin Costner trying to run into the theater with one of his movies strapped to his chest.
Hamilton is the host comedian of the Comedy Store in Hollywood and writes a daily syndicated humor column. He can be reached for corporate performances at his web site, www.ArgusHamilton.com
