ARGUS
Humor by Argus Hamilton
& #149; American Taliban John Walker was charged with conspiring to kill Americans. The situation looks grim. Public opinion is so inflamed against him, his only chance of acquittal is to be tried in front of an LA jury by a French skating judge.
& #149; Louisville Airport passengers had to be re-screened by the thousands Tuesday after they walked through the checkpoint while the screener was sound asleep. He was napping on the job. It was an unmistakable sign that airport security is now in government hands.
& #149; The St. Petersburg Philharmonic Orchestra got kicked off a United flight for drunkenness en route to Los Angeles from Russia. That’s gratitude for you. Everyone was enjoying the free concert until they fired off that cannon during the 1812 Overture.
& #149; President Bush flew to Beijing on the 30th anniversary of President Nixon’s trip to China in 1972. The world has really changed since then. Back in those days, the axis of evil was the Situation Room, the Rose Garden and the Oval Office.
& #149; Homeland Security Director Tom Ridge said the U.S. is working hard to develop a threat-warning system. What a great idea. The question is, will it plug into the books at Enron or will you have to wire it directly into your 401-k?
& #149; The New York Times said the Pentagon created a propaganda arm called the Office of Strategic Influence. Their mission is to give out disinformation, spread panic and sow confusion. They’re going to publish airline flight schedules.
& #149; Al Gore issued a statement saying he backs President Bush’s attacks on terrorism and will support the war any way he can. That is, short of shaving. If his beard gets any longer, people are going to start calling him Al Gore-Zeera.
& #149; The airlines say the number of boardings in December was down 14% percent from the year before. Boardings would have been higher, but they keep taking the terrorists off the planes.
& #149; President Bush said terrorists fund their operations by hooking Americans on narcotics from the Middle East. He said that Americans should quit using drugs. Californians are so relieved,we thought he was going to ask us to give up our cars.
Hamilton is the host comedian of the Comedy Store in Hollywood and writes a daily syndicated humor column. He can be reached for corporate performances at his web site,
www.ArgusHamilton.com.
