ARGUS
Humor by Argus Hamilton
& #149; President Bush campaigned for Bill Simon for governor of California. Bill Simon’s father once served as Nixon’s Secretary of the Treasury and President Bush’s father served as Richard Nixon’s Republican Party Chairman. So a couple of stock fraud investigations between them isn’t too bad, considering.
& #149; The White House said it was shocked by the violent anti-war protests against President Bush in Portland. The peace movement is catching fire. It’s spreading so quickly that Al Gore is now trailing Eugene McCarthy in New Hampshire.
& #149; Dick Cheney warned the VFW convention in Nashville that Saddam Hussein must be conquered as soon as possible. There’s no time to waste. If we don’t get this war done before football season starts, President Bush is going to lose interest.
& #149; Saudi Ambassador Prince Bandar’s plane was forced down by F-16 fighters en route to meet President Bush in Texas. It was due to document problems. There was a time when a Florida flight school certificate commanded more respect in this country.
& #149; New York radio stars Opie and Anthony were fired for broadcasting a live sex act from inside St. Patrick’s Cathedral. It was unspeakably lewd. The archbishop has already arranged to have them quietly transferred to a talk radio show in another parish.
& #149; President Bush spoke at a Republican Party fundraiser in Portland. Police gassed and billy-clubbed anti-war demonstrators outside on the streets. These kids are very angry that they missed the Free Love Movement by one president.
& #149; The Army announced it’s met its recruiting goals for the year. They credit terrorist attacks and a new ad slogan. Also, a lot of corporate executives heard that Afghanistan is the best place to hole up when George W. Bush is after you.
& #149; The White House predicted there’s little chance of a new recession hitting the country. They say the indicators are all looking favorable. Economic forecasting has one primary function, which is to make astrology look respectable.
& #149; President Bush met with Don Rumsfeld and Dick Cheney at the Crawford, Texas, ranch. They discussed missile defense. They’re determined to develop a system that can shoot down incoming questions about their stock transactions.
& #149; Former Enron executive Michael Kopper agreed to plead guilty to fraud and money laundering. He’s going to cooperate with prosecutors. No one wants to say the Enron executives are getting nervous, but they just paid Susan McDougal $5 million to come to Houston and conduct a loyalty seminar.
Hamilton is the host comedian of the Comedy Store in Hollywood and writes a daily syndicated humor column. He can be reached for corporate performances at his web site, www.ArgusHamilton.com.
