ARGUS
Humor
by Argus Hamilton
& #149; President Bush canvassed Louisiana in an attempt to seize Mary Landrieu’s U.S. Senate seat. He was joined by Vice President Dick Cheney and former President Bush. Only the Anaheim Angels could beat a Yankee lineup this powerful.
& #149; President Bush signed into law a program extending wetlands protection nationwide. An aide described the president as a conservative conservationist. It sounds like someone who gives away a biodegradable cookbook with each spotted owl.
& #149; Democratic presidential candidate John Kerry denied that he pays $150 per haircut at Cristophe’s hair salon. The story was leaked by Republicans. It was the first indication in two years the Bush Administration listens to gay people.
& #149; Saddam Hussein opened the door to his Baghdad palace to reporters and the entry hall alone was an eight-sided three-story room of carved marble with a gold and crystal chandelier and poems to Saddam carved into the walls. Now you know why the Republicans want to destroy him. He hired Hillary Clinton’s decorator.
& #149; Senator John Edwards flew to NATO headquarters in Europe to buff his foreign policy credentials as a presidential candidate. He’s a bright, handsome, youthful, Southern Democrat. What comedians wouldn’t give for another one of these.
& #149; Robert Redford urged the White House to promote solar energy. He’s not convincing anybody. His house has been powered by solar energy for 30 years and his face looks like a pair of chaps at the Cowboy Hall of Fame in Oklahoma City.
& #149; President Bush canceled federal pay raises, declaring that the United States is in a state of emergency. It’s widely believed that terrorists have the means to destroy any downtown in America. Right now they’re in a race with Wal-Mart.
& #149; Michael Jordan said Friday he will retire from professional basketball after this season. He enjoys gambling, fine cigars and chasing women. This limits his future career options to the next Democratic president or the British Secret Service.
& #149; Santa Claus is appearing in malls throughout the country. He knows when you are sleeping, he knows when you’re awake, and he knows when you’ve been bad or good. If you’ve ever wanted to sit on John Ashcroft’s lap, this is your opportunity.
Hamilton is the host comedian of the Comedy Store in Hollywood and writes a daily syndicated humor column. He can be reached for corporate performances at his Web site, www.ArgusHamilton.com.
