ARGUS
Humor
by Argus Hamilton
& #149; The White House asked Bill Clinton to fly to East Timor for the independence day of the Asian island nation May 20. It’s no secret why President Bush wants Bill Clinton to go to East Timor. If he goes any further, he will start coming back.
& #149; Al Gore raised money for Gov. Gray Davis in California. Residents were urged to use appliances late at night and turn off extra lights. Al Gore and Gray Davis together in the same room is the mother of all electricity shortages.
& #149; A Louisiana priest resigned when a photograph showed him standing bare-chested next to a drag queen during Mardi Gras. The pope is cleaning house. He issued a letter to all priests warning, for the last time, that “YMCA” is not a hymn.
& #149; Robert Blake was denied bail and a preliminary hearing was scheduled for May 21 at the Los Angeles County Courthouse. The hearing is expected to be a huge media event. They’ve already got Liza Minnelli to sing the opening statement.
& #149; War Emblem led the field wire-to-wire to capture the Kentucky Derby at Churchill Downs. The horse was bought only three weeks earlier by a Saudi Arabian prince. He was shopping for presidents in Texas and saw a horse he just had to have.
& #149; Prime Minister Ariel Sharon halted his Washington trip and flew home after a suicide bomber struck Israel. It’s bad news for the Palestinians. Just before he got on the plane, he maxed out his credit cards at the Pentagon gift shop.
& #149; The Rolling Stones decided to land at a New York press conference in a blimp. Unfortunately, the stunt only called attention to their age. Teenagers went berserk when the Rolling Stones first arrived in America aboard the Hindenburg.
& #149; The White House announced it will host a Little League tee-ball game. They set the ball on a tee in the middle of the strike zone so that even a child can hit it. It’s the closest these kids will ever come to doing the Larry King Show.
Hamilton is the host comedian of the Comedy Store in Hollywood and writes a daily syndicated humor column. He can be reached for corporate performances at his web site, www.ArgusHamilton.com.
