ARGUS
Humor by Argus Hamilton
& #149; The Russian Olympic team left Salt Lake City with its reputation in tatters. For two weeks all they did was cheat, whine, grandstand and pressure judges. Now if they will just learn English, Bill Clinton’s agent can get them $100,000 a speech.
& #149; Afghanistan leader Hamid Karzai was welcomed to Iran by a throng of thousands. This country is booming. Ever since President Bush named them the axis of evil, they’ve been attracting a lot of conventions that used to go to Las Vegas.
& #149; Gen. Richard Myers told Fox News he thinks Osama bin Laden is still alive. He can’t stay hidden much longer. Any guy who is six-foot-five and has 54 children and the cops after him is bound to turn up sometime during the NBA playoffs.
& #149; Interpol discovered a hole in the floor of the U.S. Embassy in Rome located strategically over the city sewer system. At first it was believed to be the work of terrorists. Then the CIA consultants left and it was determined to be a toilet.
& #149; The Washington Monument reopened on the 270th anniversary of George Washington’s birth. His first inaugural address in 1789 lasted only two minutes. Apparently if a politician cannot tell a lie, there’s not much left to say.
& #149; Dick Cheney admitted on the “Tonight Show” he enjoys his James Bond image as an undercover vice president. It’s no joke. He spends all day chasing evildoers and then picks up an energy company at the bar and gets in bed with it.
& #149; China held a welcome ceremony for President and Mrs. Bush at the Great Wall. The wall was built 2,000 years ago to protect the warlords in the capital from peasant uprisings. It was their version of campaign finance reform.
& #149; President Jiang Zemin grabbed a microphone at China’s state dinner honoring the Bushes and sang “O Sole Mio” in Italian. Under the table, George gave Laura’s hand a little squeeze. Never was he more grateful that she made him give up drinking.
& #149; President Bush urged China to stop arresting religious leaders. China insists they’ve committed crimes like robbery and rape. So it’s either a case of blatant and wrongful persecution or the TV evangelists have landed.
& #149; The Treasury Department announced the U.S. federal budget edged miraculously into surplus in February. A month earlier, we were headed toward massive deficits. Somehow you know this is going to end with senior administration officials taking the Fifth Amendment and Arthur Andersen denying all responsibility.
& #149; The Globe says Chelsea Clinton is dating an aspiring young actor at Oxford. Her parents must be thrilled. The only difference between a extra large pizza and an aspiring actor is that an extra large pizza can feed a family of four.
& #149; President Bush relaxed in Jackson Hole, Wyo. He was taking one last look at the landscape. He’s been handed a $50 million request by his Attorney General John Ashcroft to put up curtains to cover the Grand Tetons.
& #149; Senator Byrd of West Virginia broke down in the Senate describing how poor he was as a child. Nevertheless, he descends from English nobility. It’s a well-known fact that Robert Byrd is the direct descendant of the Duke of Hazzard.
& #149; Senator Tom Daschle vowed to oppose President Bush’s nomination of Judge Charles Pickering to the Fifth U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals. The judge is hanging by a thread. He’s a white male from Mississippi, so he’s just one strike away from life imprisonment under the Democratic Party’s Three Strikes law.
Hamilton is the host comedian of the Comedy Store in Hollywood and writes a daily syndicated humor column. He can be reached for corporate performances at his web site, www.ArgusHamilton.com.
