ARGUS
HUMOR
by Argus Hamilton
& #149; The Republican Party took control of the U.S. Senate and even gained House seats. The rout was complete. At 10 a.m. Wednesday, NBC announced that Martin Sheen will be replaced on the “The West Wing” by Arnold Schwarzenegger.
& #149; U.S. stocks surged in overnight trading in Europe on news the GOP had retaken the Senate. That’s novel. Usually when stocks go through the roof during a Bush administration, it’s because they fell from the sky and crashed into the living room.
& #149; Arkansas GOP Senator Tim Hutchinson was thrown out of office after he had dumped his wife back in Arkansas and married his office assistant in Washington. It was quite an upset. Adultery is now batting .500 in Arkansas.
& #149; Nevada voters refused to legalize marijuana while Arizona refused to downgrade pot to a citation. The measures had no chance. The problem is, the polls closed at 7 p.m. and the initiatives’ supporters don’t get up until eight.
& #149; Republican Mitt Romney was elected governor of Massachusetts. The state’s population is less Democratic and more Republican than in the past. All those Kennedy victory parties over the years took their gradual but inevitable toll.
& #149; Democrat Jay Rockefeller was re-elected U.S. senator from West Virginia. He had no shortage of cash. When he was a little boy and he played with his blocks, his blocks were Fifth Avenue between 52nd Street and Central Park West.
& #149; Afghanistan President Hamid Karzai fired several dozen government officials. He accused them of corruption and fraternization with the enemy. If convicted, they could each get 10 years on the Securities and Exchange Commission.
& #149; Critics say the script of “Santa Clause 2” starring Tim Allen is a little too incredible for adults to enjoy. Psychiatrists have a clinical term for adults who still believe in Santa Claus. They call them Democrats.
& #149; The University of Tennessee suspended Kappa Sigma fraternity when members made themselves up to look like the Jackson Five for a talent skit. It took a lot of effort. They had to look everywhere to find a Swedish woman to play Michael Jackson.
& #149; President Bush told the United Nations to disarm Saddam Hussein or he will do it himself. One thing is beyond debate. Saddam Hussein must submit to intrusive and coercive inspections or he’ll never be allowed to fly commercial again.
& #149; Winona Ryder’s trial ended in conviction. Jurors gasped as they were shown a $1,500 dress, a $350 hat, a $150 pony tail holder, and an $800 blouse. Saks Fifth Avenue could face 12 years in prison for robbery.
Hamilton is the host comedian of the Comedy Store in Hollywood and writes a daily syndicated humor column. He can be reached for corporate performances at his web site, www.ArgusHamilton.com
