–England suffered race riots with looters burning cars and throwing bricks at police. Los Angeles recognized the symptoms. After a season of foot-and-mouth and Mad Cow Disease, the British people are now suffering from Laker Fever.
–Senate Democrats vowed to kill President Bush’s energy plan. They think this is their ticket back to the White House in 2004. All they have to do now is figure out a way to get cars to run on beautiful pictures of Alaska.
–President Bush sent CIA Director George Tenet to Israel to try to stop all the bombing, shooting and chaos. He’s sending the CIA for good reason. From all appearances, the FBI has already been there for at least eight months.
–President Bush visited the Everglades and promised $219 million to restore the Florida swamp. He’s always cared deeply about the area. Ever since he was a small boy, he’s worn golf shirts with little alligators on them.
–Jeb Bush showed a crowd in Tampa an old nude photo of President Bush from the family scrapbook. He’s asleep on his stomach with his bare bottom facing the camera. You can just make out the fraternity house in the background.
–Hillary Clinton told York College that Sen. Jim Jeffords taught her something important. It’s that one person can make a difference by standing on principle. There are just some things she was never going to pick up at home.
–“The Producers” swept the Tony Awards on Broadway. The show won in all twelve categories. Hitler hasn’t picked up this many Tonys since the night he signed an alliance with Italy.
–American Heritage named Abraham Lincoln America’s greatest president. It was a poll of historians. For comedians, a perfect White House consists of Bill Clinton, and he’s married to Betty Ford, and they’re trying to raise the Bush daughters.
–President Bush got low approval numbers in California. It makes no sense. He speaks broken English, he has a past drug problem, and he could care less about what’s happening in the world,it’s like he’s lived in here all his life.
–The Bush administration released a list of vandalism that occurred at the White House on the last day of the Clinton administration. President Bush wanted to change the subject from Jenna and this was better than bombing Iraq. He hates to destroy oil wells.
–President Bush sat next to Teddy Kennedy at Rep. Joe Moakley’s funeral in Boston. It makes sense. The president needed Teddy’s support on an education bill, his input on HMO reforms, and some advice on how to get through these drinking scandals.
Hamilton is the host comedian of the Comedy Store in Hollywood and writes a daily syndicated humor column. He can be reached for corporate performances at his web site, www.ArgusHamilton.com.
