–The Los Angeles School Board endorsed a decision to expel a sixth-grade boy from his middle school for writing an essay which contained violent gunplay. His parents say they are absolutely shocked. They had no idea he could write.
–Scientists at the Breast Cancer Research Center stated that silicone gel breast implants may burst or leak, but they don’t cause diseases. That’s not exactly true. A lifetime of free drinks can cause a host of physical ailments.
–NATO troops arrived in Macedonia to try to put an end to civil war there. The mission is to disarm the Albanian rebels. If they want to run around the countryside waving submachine guns, they can move to Idaho like everybody else.
–The United Nations held its long-awaited Conference on Racism in Durban, South Africa. People in Africa, Asia and Arabia say they are sick and tired of playing the white man’s game. Hey, why bring hockey into this?
–Plymouth, Mass., is preparing for the 380th anniversary of the first Thanksgiving in 1621. These colonists were Puritans who placed sinners on display in the public square to humiliate them. Today, we place them on the House Intelligence Committee.
–Tiger Woods beat Jim Furyk in a sudden-death playoff that lasted seven holes at the Firestone Country Club in Akron. It frazzled everybody’s nerves. The last thing Firestone needed was more publicity linking its name to sudden death.
–Smyrna Beach in Florida was closed when sharks continued nibbling at surfers, snorkelers and swimmers. There’s always controversy. Democrats insist that legs that aren’t bitten all the way through should count as votes for Al Gore.
–Rep. Gary Condit was reeling after his interview with Connie Chung. He didn’t come across well on TV. Dick Gephardt suggested he resign, the flight attendant is suing him, and O.J. Simpson said he thinks he found the real killer.
–Condit was blasted by pundits for his tight-lipped performance. He tried to sound contrite without admitting a thing. Throughout the interview, he was wearing a bracelet inscribed, “What Would Clinton Do?”
–Under pre-arranged rules, Chung had 30 minutes to get Condit to admit all his affairs. If the format proves popular, it could be used to replace the New Hampshire primary.
–The Washington Post reported all 60 existing stem cell lines might already have been mixed with mouse cells. Who wants to clone rodents? Right now, the law schools are graduating them faster than the tobacco companies can feed them.
Hamilton is the host comedian of the Comedy Store in Hollywood and writes a daily syndicated humor column. He can be reached for corporate performances at his Web site, www. ArgusHamilton.com.
