The Best of Argus
By Argus Hamilton
Attorney General John Ashcroft offered U.S. citizenship to any foreigners who inform on suspected terrorists. The response was huge. The next day, millions of Mexicans crossed the U.S. border with information that O.J. did it.
Bill Clinton moved into his top-floor offices in Harlem and in his first order of business, he openly advertised for interns. There’s nothing Hillary can do. President Bush told Americans to get back to their normal lives.
The Taliban was in total chaos as some of them fought, some of them changed sides, and some of them surrendered their cities. President Bush has seen this before. It looks exactly the Major League Baseball owners winter meetings.
Michael Jordan was having an MRI to see if he has any cartilage damage in his knee. At 38, he’s at that awkward age. He’s five years too old to be playing basketball and 40 years too young to be elected to the U.S. Senate from North Carolina.
Clint Eastwood was appointed Commissioner of Parks and Recreation by California Governor Gray Davis. The birds are running for their lives. When California had no electricity last spring, the governor sent Clint Eastwood to Houston to ask Enron if they felt lucky.
The White House won’t admit tour groups to see the Christmas decorations this year. Some traditions have been maintained. The Little Wooden Soldier is still on the lawn, and Al Gore really hates getting in and out of that uniform every day.
The Senate Office Building was filled with deadly chlorine gas to try to kill the anthrax in Tom Daschle’s office. It was safe to return the next day. They sent postal workers into the building to make sure the gas had dissipated.
The White House Christmas Tree went up as decorations spilled onto the South Lawn. It’s just not the same. The Nativity Scene looks a little light this year because the Three Kings from the Orient have been detained for questioning.
Court TV aired a documentary called “Osama bin Laden on Trial.” It featured F. Lee Bailey and Alan Dershowitz. They spent an hour debating whether the lawyers are entitled to 40% of the virgins after their client is given the death penalty.
Hamilton is the host comedian of the Comedy Store in Hollywood and writes a daily syndicated humor column. He can be reached for corporate performances at his web site, www.ArgusHamilton.com.
