Texas exhumed the body of a man believed to be Jesse James. The man died in 1951 at the age of 104. His family is on pins and needles because if the DNA tests prove he is Jesse James, Governor Bush can have him executed.
n George W. Bush proposed a missile defense against incoming ICBMs. It’s already an outdated idea. In 10 years, the only way to defend against missiles will be to refuse to sign for them when FedEx brings them to the door.
n Rosie O’Donnell hired an armed guard to protect her kid at school. She said she’s against guns for protection unless you can afford to hire a professional. It’s a theory Darwin would have called Survival of the Leftist.
n Al Gore vowed to help Americans with mental illness. He said his own family struggled with depression. So it wasn’t “Love Story” that was written about Al and Tipper, it was “One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest.”
n The 2000 Olympic Games in Sydney just published its roster of events and the nations that will compete in them. Cuba didn’t enter the rowing competition. That’s because every Cuban who can row already lives in Florida.
n The Supreme Court let stand an Oregon law allowing adopted kids access to their birth records. Now any adopted child may look up its natural father. In a related story, President Clinton left the country.
n Bob Dole signed to be commentator for Comedy Central. His job will be to look at Al Gore and George W. Bush and point out what’s funny about them. Once more we turn to the World War II generation to do the impossible.
n Al Gore said he would never drill in Alaska’s National Wildlife area. We’ll see if gas hits $2 a gallon this summer. A caribou protecting her young is no match for a California soccer mom with a thirty-gallon tank.
n Rick Lazio mysteriously fell in a Memorial Day parade and broke open his lip. This after Rudy Giuliani suddenly quit the race in disgrace. If Hillary Clinton gets indicted, the Republicans want her tried in Salem.
Hamilton is the host comedian of the Comedy Store in Hollywood and writes a daily syndicated humor column. He can be reached for corporate performances at his web site, www.ArgusHamilton.com.
