n Philip Morris recently announced the purchase of Nabisco. That’s the company that makes Oreos, Marlboros, Miller Beer, Maxwell House and Sanka Decaf. Philip Morris now has the addict covered from cradle to grave.
n “Survivor” on CBS is the surprise TV hit of the summer. Contestants are flown to a primitive tropical island and forced to live communally under appalling conditions. The sequel will star Elian Gonzalez.
n President Clinton was sued for disbarment over his testimony in the Paula Jones case. The prosecuting attorney is a former Catholic nun. If she can’t get the president to confess, the Republicans are out of ideas.
n The AFL-CIO announced it would hold town hall meetings so members can learn about life in Texas under Gov. George W. Bush. That is so ridiculous. Nobody gets life in Texas, they get the death penalty.
n The GOP House refused to pass President Clinton’s senior prescription drug coverage plan on Capitol Hill. The Republicans have proposed a plan of their own. It’s called If They Die, They Die.
n President Clinton spoke to the annual convention of U.S. government employees at Philadelphia. For three days, government workers got to relax and take things easy. It was like another day at the office.
n President Clinton poked jabs at George W. Bush’s intellect and lack of depth during his speech in Philadelphia. This is getting out of hand. President Clinton is doing the job of two men, James Carville and Jay Leno.
n The Baseball Research Center tested Major League baseballs in use this year and concluded they are not to blame for all the home runs. They say they found no evidence that the ball is juiced. Is Janet Reno moonlighting?
n “Perfect Storm” star George Clooney topped People magazine’s annual list of the 100 Most Eligible Bachelors in America. President Clinton is absolutely crushed. First, he loses the Nobel Peace Prize, and now this.
n The journal Science reports that Swedish researchers have invented a robot smaller than the head of a pin and one day they’ll do surgery with them. That’s nothing. In America, we’re already running pinheads for president.
n The Supreme Court ruled unconstitutional a Louisiana law that required random drug tests of elected officials. It was the only thing that kept George W. Bush from running for governor of Louisiana.
Hamilton is the host comedian of the Comedy Store in Hollywood and writes a daily syndicated humor column. He can be reached for corporate performances at his Web site, www.ArgusHamilton.com.
