n “Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire” went on sale at midnight and sold six million copies. That’s the good news. The bad news is, half the kids who bought the book spent all night trying to jam it into the VCR.
n New York City officials declared war on Sunday on the 70 million rats infesting Manhattan. The numbers are out of control. The nation’s law schools are graduating them faster than the tobacco companies can feed them.
n The Mensa Society of High IQs held its convention in Philadelphia. Next, Philadelphia hosts the GOP convention. The city likes to boast that it can make groups from both ends of the spectrum feel welcome.
n George W. Bush gave a speech to the NAACP convention in Baltimore while protesters out on the front lawn waved Confederate flags. He will be a great president. He got a standing ovation from both groups.
n The Human Genome Project announced it’s successfully mapped the entire human DNA system. The medical possibilities are tremendous. Someday there may be enough Sports Illustrated swimsuit models to go around.
n The Pentagon missile interceptor failed in its attempt to shoot down an approaching dummy warhead over the Pacific. It wound up being a $100 million dud. The next morning, Kevin Costner purchased the film rights.
n Mexico’s President-elect Vicente Fox said he wants open borders with the U.S. He wants no border guards and no Customs inspectors. The idea was unanimously endorsed by Mexico’s ruling body, the House of Drug Lords.
n “The Patriot” is being criticized for its violence, including 16 deaths by axings, 24 by stabbings and 141 by gunfire. Opposing sides wear red and blue. This isn’t a war, it’s another day in the LA Unified School Distict.
n The Washington Monument facelift was completed July 4th. Renovations now begin at the White House. Eisenhower added a putting green, Ford added a swimming pool, and Bill Clinton has added a 24-hour deposit window.
n Al Gore campaigned at an Hispanic convention in San Diego. He’s desperate for their votes. He offered to expand civil rights for illegal immigrants, to increase their health care and to change his name to Al Nino.
n George W. Bush had a three-hour press conference and discussed his idea of a perfect vacation, his favorite furniture, baseball, his ranch and his dog Spot. Republicans are very relieved. He’s back on message.
n “The Perfect Storm” starring George Clooney is about a boat that capsizes in the Atlantic Ocean. All the men aboard choose to go down with the ship. They preferred that to living with the Miami relatives.
Hamilton is the host comedian of the Comedy Store in Hollywood and writes a daily syndicated humor column. He can be reached for corporate performances at his web site, www.ArgusHamilton.com.
