n John McCain destroyed George W. Bush in New Hampshire. Nobody saw it coming. This was the darkest moment for an heir apparent since the night Prince Charles asked Diana Spencer for her telephone number.
n Alan Keyes carried the social conservative voters in New Hampshire who once cheered Pat Buchanan. You can’t make this stuff up. Only in today’s political climate could Alan Keyes become the candidate of Angry White Men.
n Baltimore Ravens linebacker Ray Lewis was charged with murder in the stabbing deaths of two men in an Atlanta night club. His alibi is airtight. He says at the time of the murder he was chipping golf balls in the men’s room.
n John Rocker was suspended until May 1 by baseball commissioner Bud Selig. He was also fined and ordered to sensitivity training. On opening day, Selig will be at Camden Yard in Baltimore to throw out the First Amendment.
n The St. Louis Rams won the Super Bowl by going for the bomb and ignoring the ground game. President Clinton must have enjoyed watching his Yugoslavia strategy win for the second time in one year.
n The Tennessee Titans were hailed for their fourth-quarter comeback in the Super Bowl. They got a congratulatory call from Al Gore after the game. Up until then, only UCLA could get inspirational speeches from Coach Wooden.
n For people in Missouri, Tennessee and Georgia, the Super Bowl was the biggest sporting event in history that didn’t have a 500 after it.
n ABC-TV charged Super Bowl advertisers $4 million per minute. It was a bargain. It’s only a tenth of what Bill Clinton spent per minute during his State of the Union speech to Congress.
n President Clinton was nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize. The reasons were vague. It could be for peace in Northern Ireland, for peace in the Middle East, or it could be for getting Hillary to put down the lamp.
n Legendary retired University of Nebraska football coach Tom Osborne announced in Lincoln he will run for Congress as a Republican. Of course he will run. In 25 years, no one ever saw him pass.
n Michael Jordan took over as president of the NBA Washington Wizards. His influence as an executive was felt immediately. The next day kids all over America showed up at the basketball courts wearing wing tips.
n President Clinton’s State of the Union felt like a MasterCard ad. New proposals: $300 billion; budget surplus: $1.9 trillion; watching Congressional Republicans suffer for 90 minutes through a Bill Clinton victory lap: priceless.
n Elian Gonzalez met his two grandmothers in Miami. Officials made the grandmothers turn in their cell phones before the meeting could start. Elian goes off like Streisand if a cell phone rings while he’s talking.
n Barbara Bush campaigned for her son George W. Bush in New Hampshire. She urged everyone to vote for Georgie. George W.’s family nickname is Georgie, as opposed to Jeb’s, which is The Smart One.
n President Clinton played golf in Brentwood with Jack Nicholson. They were quite a sight as they walked up the 18th fairway together. There they were, the greatest actor of our time and a famous movie star.
n The Confederate flag controversy in South Carolina extends all the way to California. Throughout the Civil War, the rebel flag flew over Los Angeles and San Bernardino. The last unit to surrender was the LAPD in 1992.
Hamilton is the host comedian of the Comedy Store in Hollywood and writes a daily syndicated humor column. He can be reached for corporate performances at his web site, www.ArgusHamilton.com.
