n O.J. Simpson said he will do an online chat so he can talk directly with the public. He said it’s amazing how many people don’t know the facts of his case. At the last count it was 12, plus the alternates.
n The Los Alamos nuclear lab can’t find two secret disks from its maximum security vault. The information on the missing hard drive contains America’s No. 1 top secret: There’s cocaine in the baseballs this year.
n The Hatfields and the McCoys met in Kentucky after fighting for 150 years. They buried the hatchet. President Clinton already is saying that the centerpiece of his legacy will be peace in the Middle West.
n The Chicago Tribune says 40 death row inmates executed in Texas had inept defense attorneys. The paper said the lawyers never presented evidence of low IQ. Hey, they were trying to get their clients acquitted, not elected governor.
n Al Gore’s tenants in Tennessee accused him of being a slumlord. They were paying him $400 a month but the toilets weren’t working and rats were everywhere. Ten bucks says by the time Al delivers his acceptance speech at the Democratic convention, he will have been raised in that house.
n Hillary Clinton did stand-up comedy at a dinner for reporters in Albany. Her husband is doing comedy at his appearances. They haven’t fought over jokes this way since they had to pick out an Attorney General in 1993.
n President Clinton mourned the death of Syrian President Hafez al-Assad. His grief was sincere and heartfelt. Assad left this earth before he could tell Bill Clinton how to become president for life.
n Dallas was deluged by rain from a tropical storm. Rivers were overflowing across the Lone Star State. The flooding was so bad that Texas was having to execute prisoners by tossing a plugged-in toaster into their cells.
n Walter Cronkite called for more TV news substance and less sensational grist. On one day, the first two stories were about murders, followed by a story on statutory rape, then a cocaine trial-and that was just ESPN.
n John Rocker was talked out of quitting baseball to become a stockbroker. Nasdaq is volatile enough without him on the trading floor.
n China accused the U.S. of selfishness for trying to build a missile defense shield. If they want the blueprints, the coffee’s brewing. But bring your Visa, because at the White House, they don’t take national security lightly and they don’t take American Express.
Hamilton is the host comedian of the Comedy Store in Hollywood and writes a daily syndicated humor column. He can be reached for corporate performances at his Web site, www.ArgusHamilton.com.
