n Hillary Clinton noted the 25th anniversary of the end of the Vietnam War by reminding voters she tried to enlist in the Marines in 1972. She was turned down. The Pentagon decided we weren’t that mad at the Viet Cong.
n The U.S. Congress will vote whether to give Red China permanent normal trade status. The issue pits capital against labor. Union leaders call China one giant slave labor camp, but Al Gore calls it The Money Store.
n The Los Angeles city-wide janitors strike ended. This was a huge relief. Darva Conger left a bar on Sunset with some guy the night before, but other than that, no trash had been picked up in Hollywood up for two weeks.
n Al Gore said he missed hearing his White House fundraising calls were illegal because he was in the bathroom after drinking too much iced tea. On his salary he had to drink iced tea. White House coffee is $75,000 a cup.
n Dallas Mayor Ron Kirk told the Conference of Black Mayors that black youths are too lazy, too arrogant or too hip to wear seat belts. You know the rest. He got a standing ovation and was suspended from baseball for 30 days.
n The Washington National Zoo was strafed by gunfire when rival gangs began shooting at each other inside the zoo. The animals were very shaken up by the melee. The NRA is calling for the right to arm bears.
n “Different Strokes” child star Gary Coleman will run for the Senate in California. It’s not as far-fetched as it sounds. After a couple of victories, he would be on everyone’s short list for vice president by 2004.
n Al Gore informed reporters that he’s looking for a vice presidential running mate who is unlike himself.
That’s a very shrewd political decision. An animate object would bring balance to the ticket.
n President Clinton got huge laughs with his stand-up comedy routine at the annual Correspondents Dinner in Washington D.C. Americans simply love political jokes. That’s why we elect so many of them.
n Elian Gonzalez was diagnosed by a psychiatrist. She said there is no lasting harm. She noted there were signs of paranoia, hostility and grandiosity, but the Republicans acted that way during impeachment, too.
n Washington, D.C. was the scene of a civil rights march. Gays, lesbians, bisexuals and transgenders demanded to serve in the military just as they are. Hasbro’s new Army action figure is called G.I. Don’t Know.
n Microsoft criticized a Justice Department breakup plan and vowed to tie up their anti-trust suit for years on appeal. If Microsoft were a Parker Bros. board game, it might be Monopoly. It certainly isn’t Sorry.
n Vietnam detained CNN’s Tucker Carlson over anti-communist remarks made by John McCain in Hanoi. They don’t like being criticized, so they throw a reporter in jail. Just what was Richard Nixon’s problem with North Vietnam?
n The GOP is angry at Janet Reno for breaking into Elian’s home and taking him away at gunpoint. They should be nice to her. Next Jan. 20, she is the only one who will be able to get Bill Clinton out of the White House.
Hamilton is the host comedian of the Comedy Store in Hollywood and writes a daily syndicated humor column. He can be reached for corporate performances at his web site, www.ArgusHamilton.com.
