ARGUS
by Argus Hamilton
& #149; Sen. Hillary Clinton spent an entire weekend in San Francisco performing at fundraisers for Gov. Gray Davis’ re-election campaign. They needed her there to offset his dull personality. Gray Davis makes Al Gore look like Jerry Lewis.
& #149; President Bush asked Israel to pull out and the PLO to cease fire. If he backs Israel, the Arabs will cause a recession, and if he backs the PLO, he may not get re-elected. It’s a lot to bite off for a guy who choked on a pretzel.
& #149; Laura Bush was at the Queen Mother’s funeral with its royal pomp and British pageantry. They’ve got nothing on us. Twice a day, tourists in Washington line up outside the White House fence to witness the Changing of the Mideast Policy.
& #149; The Space Shuttle Atlantis blasted off from Cape Canaveral on its latest two-week space mission. They will be conducting experiments on weightlessness. Scientists are struggling to understand how it maintains an 82% approval rating in the White House.
& #149; Colin Powell flew to the Mideast to calm the explosive situation on the West Bank. He’s going to reason with Arial Sharon on one day and reason with Yasser Arafat on the next day. It’s the diplomatic equivalent of rotating your Firestones.
& #149; U.S. Army Special Forces destroyed Afghan caves in Operation Mountain Lion. These men creep around very quietly and wear camouflage and are hardly noticeable against the background. It’s a preview of the Democratic primaries in 2004.
& #149; Israel blew up a building in Nablus which locals insisted was a soap-making factory. However the building was actually a bomb factory. The Israeli army got suspicious when the labels on every box of soap read Northern Irish Spring.
& #149; The International Civil Aviation Organization published its annual survey on air safety. They say commercial aviation was safer in 2001 than 2000, if you take out the Sept. 11 attacks. Other than that Mrs. Lincoln, did you enjoy the play?
& #149; President Bush was heckled repeatedly by anti-war protesters in Knoxville. A lot of kids in college become anti-war demonstrators. Who wouldn’t want to grow up to someday have a penthouse in Harlem and make $100,000 a speech?
Hamilton is the host comedian of the Comedy Store in Hollywood and writes a daily syndicated humor column. He can be reached for corporate performances at his web site, www.ArgusHamilton.com.
