ARGUS
Humor by Argus Hamilton
& #149; “The Sum of All Fears” is a huge box office hit. Star Ben Affleck overcame reviews that said he came across as uncultured, simplistic, and in way over his head. The movie’s only been out a week and already he has a 74% approval rating.
& #149; Arizona Cardinals safety Pat Tillman quit the NFL to join the Army Rangers. His agent suggested it. Thanks to the players agreeing to a salary cap, capturing Osama bin laden is the only way he will ever make $25 million in one year.
& #149; Egyptian President Mubarak said he warned the CIA a week before Sept. 11 of coming terror attacks. U.S. intelligence agents dropped the ball. TV Land just canceled “Get Smart” because the network has a policy against running documentaries.
& #149; The State Department hired an ad executive to craft a positive U.S. message to the Muslim world. Everything about American culture seems to offend practicing Muslims. The new anti-terrorism bill alone has $31 billion worth of pork in it.
& #149; The $31 billion Emergency Anti-Terrorism Funding Bill has everything from farm relief to textile import restrictions. Don’t miss next week’s National Security Tax Cut for the Rich.
& #149; The Transportation Department gave security screeners federal whistle-blower protection. Now they cannot be fired for groping you and they cannot be fired for whistle-blowing. Except for governor of Arkansas, it’s the best job in America.
& #149; The United States, Great Britain, Australia and Canada advised personnel to leave India. It’s over fear of a nuclear missile exchange. Some parts of the Old Empire are so thrilled about Queen Elizabeth’s Jubilee that fireworks just aren’t enough.
& #149; Newsweek reports that the CIA started watching two Sept. 11 terrorists in Malaysia back in 2000. They watched them enter America, they watched them enroll in flight school, and they never told the FBI or the INS. Never let it be said that the CIA can’t keep a secret.
& #149; The Los Angeles Times detailed millions in cash the CIA is paying out to buy off Afghan warlords. How can we bribe them and expect them to build a democracy? We knew it wasn’t going to work when Interim Leader Hamid Karzai was sworn into office by the governor of Louisiana.
& #149; The New York State Education Department deleted what they considered to be insensitive references from classic literature on the high school English exam. Every reference to race was cut. How the word English survived is anybody’s guess.
Hamilton is the host comedian of the Comedy Store in Hollywood and writes a daily syndicated humor column. He can be reached for corporate performances at his web site, www.ArgusHamilton.com
