ARGUS
Humor
by Argus Hamilton
& #149; Augusta National dropped all corporate sponsors from the Masters rather than let women become members. It’s an unprecedented stand. And to prevent any more liberal grandstanding, the club sold all the caddies to a sugar baron in Martinique.
& #149; Dick Cheney told a veteran’s group Iraq won’t hesitate to use weapons of mass destruction in the Middle East. The vice president said Iraq has the most dangerous, reckless and unpredictable government in the world. He’s far too modest.
& #149; Colin Powell said the U.S. must try to send U.N. weapons inspectors back into Iraq before we take military action. He wants to give peace every possible chance. Some guys will say anything to qualify for a French combat medal.
& #149; Britain’s Conservative Party joined the Bush administration in calling for a war on Saddam Hussein. There are signs that the Iraqi dictator may be getting ready to step down. Recently he was on the Internet shopping for office space in Harlem.
& #149; Las Vegas oddsmakers listed the St. Louis Rams as favorites to win the Super Bowl this season. The bookies expect a lot of action. Americans spend $60 billion a year on games of chance, and that doesn’t count weddings and elections.
& #149; Congress will consider discount drug cards for seniors. It’s a very forward-looking program. The cards for seniors charge everything to the government, and the cards for Baby Boomers charge everything to their parents.
& #149; Germany refused to turn over terrorism evidence against alleged 20th hijacker Zacarias Moussaoui unless we promise not to give him the death penalty. They don’t believe in giving mass murderers the death penalty. They believe in giving them Czechoslovakia and Poland.
& #149; American Taliban John Walker Lindh is cooperating with federal authorities and is telling federal agents everything he knows. Unfortunately the kid was educated in California. Everything he knows is right-turn-on-red and O.J. did it.
& #149; Sen. Fred Thompson will join the cast of NBC’s “Law and Order.” The producers said he will play a conservative D.A. who is a strict constructionist on the U.S. Constitution. Won’t they be surprised when Senate Democrats keep him off the show.
& #149; Gen. Tommy Franks inspected Tajikistan, Kyrgyzstan, and Kazakhstan. It’s one of two things. Either he’s scouting terrain for future military action or he’s writing an article for Consumer Reports on this year’s heroin quality.
& #149; Dick Cheney gave speeches demanding war with Iraq. He won’t let up. No one wants to say he’s beating the war drums, but his wife Lynne couldn’t sleep last night until she reached over and turned his pacemaker down to Gene Krupa.
& #149; Al Gore’s campaign office in Tennessee received a packet of white powder in the mail. The FBI says it wasn’t anthrax. Democrats were just glad to hear that the moment Al Gore realized the danger he had escaped, he had a near-life experience.
Hamilton is the host comedian of the Comedy Store in Hollywood and writes a daily syndicated humor column. He can be reached for corporate performances at his web site, www.ArgusHamilton.com
