ARGUS
Humor by Argus Hamilton
& #149; The PGA Championship at Hazeltine included three dozen corporate chalets all over the course. Each tent had a wet bar, sofas and satellite TV. For many of the corporate executives, it was their first look inside a minimum security prison.
& #149; The West Nile Virus was upgraded by U.S. government scientists from the status of outbreak to epidemic. This fight has just begun. Any day now, President Bush is expected to elevate the mosquito from household pest to evildoer.
& #149; Newsweek printed plausible accounts of two men seeing Osama bin Laden alive. They said he was surrounded by 15 bodyguards. However, when both witnesses described the jumpsuit he was wearing, the interrogators realized it was only Elvis.
& #149; Mel Gibson announced he has begun background research to play Jesus Christ. It’s a daunting project. In addition to all his talks with clergy and theologians, nobody knows how many years it will take to find a Bible in Hollywood.
& #149; Transportation Secretary Norm Mineta is under fire for all the chaos in airport security. It’s out of control. The airlines just agreed to place sensors in seats to detect if a person is drunk, and that’s just in the America West pilots’ lounge.
& #149; The Washington Times reports more and more companies are encouraging workers to take naps during the day in order to help them to perform better. Still, for some people, sleeping on the job is not enough. They need a month off in Texas.
& #149; President Bush spent time at his Texas ranch clearing brush and chopping trees. He told one aide to throw a rock at a rattlesnake, but to be careful not to hit it. Coincidentally, those are his daily marching orders to the Securities and Exchange Commission.
& #149; The State Department said a Muslim cleric who inquired about Salt Lake City Olympic security is a member of al-Qaeda. He was deported before the games began. Just think, terrorists could have ruined everything the Russian mafia worked so hard to achieve.
& #149; Dr. Steven Hatfill denied press reports that he’s the anthrax mailer from last autumn. The FBI said their hound dogs went wild barking at him. So he’s either the anthrax mailer or at one time in his life he was a civil rights activist.
Hamilton is the host comedian of the Comedy Store in Hollywood and writes a daily syndicated humor column. He can be reached for corporate performances at his web site, www.ArgusHamilton.com.
