ARGUS
by Argus Hamilton
Sen. Joseph Biden suggested the White House send Bill Clinton to negotiate peace between Israel and the PLO. He’s got the wrong Clinton. If you want someone with a proven track record of reconciling two bitter enemies, you send Chelsea.
Dallas Cowboy Nate Newton was found to have hundreds of pounds of marijuana inside the back of his van. This parade never ends. If NFL players don’t start behaving, by this time next year, first downs will be measured by real chain gangs.
Kabul was visited by an international reconnaissance team from Italy, Germany, France, Spain, Austria, Netherlands, Greece, and Norway. They face an impossible task. For starters, they have to convince the hookers to accept the Euro.
President Bush spent New Year’s at the Crawford ranch. It’s perfect for his whole family. The president likes to jog there, the first lady likes to relax there, and the twins were ordered by the judge to spend New Year’s in a dry county.
President Bush put his signature on a $343 billion military spending bill at his Crawford ranch with Pentagon brass looking on. The sheer amount of money takes your breath away. Only George Steinbrenner spends more money on arms.
American Airlines wouldn’t let a Secret Service agent on a flight because he was Arab and he carried a firearm. Not everyone minds racial profiling. You don’t see white guys whining about constantly being singled out for antitrust suits.
The U.S. Naval Base in Guantanamo, Cuba, will be used to interrogate al-Qaeda fighters. It has the perfect ambiance. Martha Stewart always says when it comes to interrogating people from another religion, a touch of Old Spain is a good thing.
New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani gave his farewell address at St. Paul’s Cathedral. His future plans include a joint venture. He’s joining six other politicians who will spend the next three years waiting for President Bush to make a mistake.
Japan agreed to build a U.S. military airport over a coral reef off Okinawa despite protests by environmentalists. The Bush administration has no choice. Now that oil is down to $10 a barrel, all the fun has gone out of destroying Alaska.
Hamilton is the host comedian of the Comedy Store in Hollywood and writes a daily syndicated humor column. He can be reached for corporate performances at his web site, www.ArgusHamilton.com.
