ARGUS
Humor by Argus Hamilton
& #149; The West Nile virus arrived in Los Angeles after a rare week of high humidity allowed mosquitoes to enter California. No one’s really worried about it. The reason people aren’t afraid is because out here when you get sick you get free marijuana.
& #149; Democrats in Florida were plagued by confusion again. The punch cards confused them last election, and the touch-screens baffled them this time. If they want a ballot that South Florida can understand, they should make it a Bingo card.
& #149; Sweden may televise porno movies on Saturday nights in an attempt to reverse their falling birthrate. It’s a growing problem. The birthrate for European males in general is declining so fast that Augusta National could run out of members in a hundred years.
& #149; Virgin Airways announced they have eliminated the baby-changing tables in the lavatories. They were being used by passengers to have sex during flights. If this is a problem on Virgin, you can imagine what it’s like on United.
& #149; Al Gore’s son was arrested for DUI the same day People magazine ran a photo of Chelsea Clinton being fondled in public. Noelle Bush smoked crack in rehab while the Bush twins remained on probation. We’re about to go to war with Iraq for no reason other than the politicians don’t want to talk about the children anymore.
& #149; Nevada voters may legalize pot in addition to gambling and prostitution. The state is acquiring plutonium and the Las Vegas mayor is a mob lawyer. The FBI just alerted realtors to watch out for Iraqi dictators shopping for retirement property.
& #149; Mexico pulled out of the Rio Treaty, which binds the nations of the Western Hemisphere into a military defense alliance. They don’t need our help. This is the only nation whose weapon of mass destruction comes right out of the tap.
& #149; A U.S. spy plane busted an al-Qaeda leader by tracking a pizza delivery to his hideout in the Philippines. This would happen in Southeast Asia. Within the hour, Henry Kissinger took credit and declared that the Domino Theory was right all along.
& #149; A North Carolina judge said he won’t force the Miss America Pageant to allow two Miss North Carolinas to compete. It’s only right that a judge should decide the winner. Why should we pick our beauty queens any differently than we do our presidents?
& #149; Golden, Colo. was ordered to devise a water preservation plan for the mountain creek that the townspeople use to brew Coors. It’s long overdue. Three times in recent taste tests, blindfolded drinkers identified the beer as Sparkletts.
Hamilton is the host comedian of the Comedy Store in Hollywood and writes a daily syndicated humor column. He can be reached for corporate performances at his web site, www.ArgusHamilton.com
