ARGUS
By Argus Hamilton
The White House sent B-52s over Afghanistan to bomb enemy positions at Tora Bora. It worked. After 10 days of bombardment, the Taliban agreed to the need for corporate tax cuts and a reduction in the capital gains rate.
n The U.S. Senate joined the House in voting itself a $5,000-per-year pay raise. They now make $150,000 annually. When you add the salary to the pension for every year served, it starts to look like Strom Thurmond is set for life.
n “Court TV” selected F. Lee Bailey and Alan Dershowitz to take part in a pretend murder trial for Osama bin Laden in Los Angeles. They have the experience. Six years ago, they took part in a pretend murder trial for O.J. Simpson in Los Angeles.
n Sotheby’s Chairman Alfred Taubman was found guilty of price-fixing with rival auction house Christie’s. They charged the same commission to buyers and sellers instead of competing for business. You can’t do that without a stockbroker’s license.
n President Bush got a standing ovation after a speech in Charleston. He has huge approval ratings. He’s doing such a terrific job as president that Americans are starting to feel a bit ashamed we didn’t elect him in the first place.
n U.S. planes dropped leaflets over Jalalabad asking for help to track down Osama bin Laden. It’s not the best way to communicate, but it’s our only choice now that everybody’s afraid to open a letter that’s been through a U.S. post office.
n Israeli forces blew up Yasser Arafat’s helicopters, bulldozed his airport and closed the highways. It looks like it’s over for Arafat. He woke up the other morning and there was a camel’s head in his bed.
Hamilton is the host comedian of the Comedy Store in Hollywood and writes a daily syndicated humor column. He can be reached for corporate performances at his web site, www.ArgusHamilton.com.
