ARGUS
By Argus Hamilton
Former Enron CEO Jeff Skilling discussed Enron’s collapse in a New York Times interview denied all wrongdoing. Every day, he opens his Bible and reads the Lord’s Prayer from the Book of Luke. As you might guess, it’s in Chapter 11.
Afghanistan inaugurated its new government at a ceremony in the capital city of Kabul. The new president was sworn into office shortly after he was elected by a high council of the nation’s elders. They’re using the American system.
The White House recognized Afghanistan, opening the way for U.S. companies to go there. How awful. In one year every corner will have a Taco Bell, and the last thing we need are billboards telling the rest of them to Make a Run for the Border.
President Bush vowed that Osama bin Laden will not elude U.S. forces. There’s no limit to the terrorist’s evil plans for America. The next videotape of Osama bin Laden shows him laughing about how he invented the plastic beer bottle.
President Bush welcomed the Olympic torch to the White House while wearing a 10-gallon Stetson throughout the South Lawn ceremony. Saddam Hussein saw it and put his troops on alert. If he’s learned anything in life, it’s that whenever Connecticut Episcopalians put on cowboy hats, head for the bomb shelters.
The ABC News poll says 72% of Americans favor military action to oust Saddam Hussein. There’s more evidence he’s a goner. He’s been getting love letters from Anna Nicole Smith, and she only goes for oil barons with less than a month to live.
Circus trainer Mark Gebel was acquitted of animal abuse charges in San Jose. He was on trial for jabbing an elephant with a sharp hooked stick. In Northern California, anything you do to a Republican is considered self defense.
Bill Clinton gathered his advisers in his Harlem office to formulate the new communications strategy for Democrats. The party is looking ahead. By spring it will be time for yard work and Bill Clinton has the best record of uprooting Bushes.
The SEC is reviewing the financial reports of each Fortune 500 company. They said they are looking for unorthodox accounting, shady bond deals and financial fraud. The agency gets a bonus if they can find Argentina a president within a week.
Hamilton is the host comedian of the Comedy Store in Hollywood and writes a daily syndicated humor column. He can be reached for corporate performances at his web site,
www.ArgusHamilton.com.
