ARGUS
Humor
by Argus Hamilton
& #149; The Anaheim Angels shocked the baseball world this post-season. Five months ago, nobody thought they would live to see October. Martha Stewart walked into her lawyer’s office the other day carrying a Rally Monkey and two thundersticks.
& #149; Maryland police stormed a white van believed to contain the Maryland sniper. It turned out to contain illegal immigrants from Guatemala. They were detained, fingerprinted, registered to vote in Los Angeles County and then deported.
& #149; Continental pulled a pilot from a flight to Orlando when the pilot tried to enter the plane drunk out of his mind. The airline has only itself to blame. This is what happens when you encourage employees to own stock in the company.
& #149; Saddam Hussein celebrated his unanimous presidential re-election by pardoning every prisoner in Iraq. In one gesture, he freed 10,000 Arabs from prison. It’s nature’s way of providing a balance for John Ashcroft.
& #149; Hussein was re-elected Iraqi president with 100% of the votes from a 100% voter turnout. He has just been named Sexiest Man Alive by the Chicago Democratic Party.
& #149; Hamid Karzai asked for international help to eradicate the poppy crops used to finance al-Qaeda. Leadership is needed. Who will be the first Hollywood star to announce that he’s switching from heroin back to cocaine in the interest of national security?
& #149; John McCain guest-hosted NBC’s “Saturday Night Live.” He has a truly natural gift for comedy. The fund-raising totals from both parties just came in, and Campaign Finance Reform turned out to be the biggest joke of the year.
& #149; Queen Elizabeth flew home after visiting Canada in honor of her 50-year reign. Her bloodline is fascinating. She is a direct descendant of William the Conqueror, which is a much bigger honor in Great Britain than it is in Arkansas.
& #149; North Korea just admitted it’s been conducting a clandestine nuclear weapons development program. No one’s in a panic about it. It’s not expected to be a serious threat to U.S. national security until two months before the next election.
& #149; German Foreign Minister Joschka Fischer will fly to Washington this week to meet with Colin Powell about possible deployment of German troops. They won’t reveal where. The betting is, it’s very bad news for either Iraq or Harry Belafonte.
& #149; Winona Ryder’s shoplifting trial in Beverly Hills was postponed. She wasn’t too bright to go shoplifting while high on painkillers. Her hands put the clothes in the bag so slowly the security video looks like it was directed by Sam Peckinpaugh.
Hamilton is the host comedian of the Comedy Store in Hollywood and writes a daily syndicated humor column. He can be reached for corporate performances at his Web site, www.ArgusHamilton.com.
